It’s been a while…
I have to stop feeling guilty for not writing. I get so busy with life and neglect my blogs and then I feel guilty for not writing and then the cycle continues. However, in recent days I have been sending people to my blog for a multitude of reasons and it has amplified my guilt…
So here’s an update. After our two heartbreaking miscarriages last year, I am pregnant again and this one is looking really good. Currently I am 23 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a little boy. He will be, G-d willing, making his appearance in June.
The road to this place has been really bumpy. And I have had a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head. I have chastised myself for not blogging through a lot of these thoughts at 1am when I can’t sleep… because I am often so busy during the day (and my ‘baby brain’ is so intense) that I always forget my thoughts and never get them down. It’s usually the quiet moments when my son is bouncing around inside of me like I am a human bouncy castle and the insomnia is on full blast, that I think of these things. It’s also when I remember all the work I’ve forgotten to do and the errands I forgotten to run.
I’m proud of my body for getting us here. In three short days, we will hit our next milestone… viability. Meaning if our son was born, he would have a chance of surviving. He’s kicking me as I type this… haha, maybe he’s mad at me for not being able to see 40 (or 42) weeks as the end point. I’m just too jaded to get that comfortable with assuming it will completely work out well.
This pregnancy, we only went week to week. In the first trimester, we got weekly ultrasounds and our lives built up until that moment when we saw his heartbeat. Then we nonchalantly talked about dinner and a grocery store run and forgot about it all until the next week. After we got out of the first trimester, I kept putting off telling people. I was just so afraid to lose the baby again. At 10 weeks, we had a free cell DNA test. They take my blood, separate the baby’s DNA from mine and tell us if anything is or could be wrong with him. That’s also when we found out our boy was going to be a boy. By 12 weeks, we had the results back… he was perfectly healthy as far as they could see and he was a he. It was then when we decided we could celebrate, just the two (three) of us. Finally, around 14 weeks we told friends and family with a note in our holiday cards and then a facebook post.
I had so many creative ideas during the first two pregnancies… and I was going to take week by week bump pictures… for this pregnancy, I couldn’t even think that far in advance. I was barely making it to our Friday appointments. But as it became public and I became very obviously pregnant and there weren’t any more tests the doctor could run to make sure he would be ok… we started to believe this is our reality. I’m still not quite at the “My son will be here in June” place yet… but my big ole’ belly and his incessant kicks before bedtime make sure I can’t ignore the life inside me.
So Thursday is 24 weeks… the next milestone. Then we will get into the third trimester around the middle of the 27th week. Then I am traveling to Florida for work (with Dan in tow to carry the bags, or me, or my barf bag… flying and I don’t agree when pregnant… but it’s not stopped me), then Passover, then my little cousins’ bar/bat mitzvah (twins), then time to plant the garden, then a long distance Mazal Tov to my cousin getting married in Rhode Island because I can’t travel at 37+(!!!!!!) weeks, then my brother’s 30th (!!!!) birthday, then either my son will be here or we will be celebrating his father’s birthday and then he will be here!
When you put it all into one paragraph… it doesn’t seem that far from now… But then I look back at the YEAR I have spent pregnant (yes, off and on) and I thank G-d it’s not that far from now.
Last March, when I was starry eyed about starting this family, I would never have guessed that I would be here. Twelve whole months later, pregnant THREE times, and six months pregnant. It’s beyond belief.
Here’s us – me at 21 weeks, Dan at… well… handsome.
December 13, 2017
November 16, 2017
July 12, 2017