There are just moments when thanking G-d comes so easily. You don’t even think about it. Before you eat, after you eat, on shabbat, Rosh Hashanah… we all just say the prayers and don’t think about it.
And then there are the moments when you choke over the praise. When tears fill your eyes and the words trip over your tongue. How can I praise you right now? How can I thank you for your wondrous blessings when I am hurting?
We lost our second pregnancy on Friday (8/15/14). Well, we found out that we lost our second baby on Friday. Our baby was gone for a little while before that and my body didn’t know. We came home and grieved. We cried and screamed at G-d. We held each other tight and whispered promises of love and the future. Our dog Soba whimpered and licked our feet. And we prepared for Shabbat dinner.
My brother was flying in from NYC that night and Dan went to the airport, grocery store, and liquor store on his way home. He brought me chicken and gin and my beloved Ronin. We drank (that’s the only bonus of this situation… you can drink through the pain) and joked and cried and laughed. And then I lit the Shabbat candles. The candles that I had been thinking about adding a new one to… our tradition is to add a candle to the ones you light on Friday night for each child. While I was single I lit one and when I got married I lit two… I dreamed of buying a fancy candle set if we were having a girl so I could pass that set on to her when she got married.
But I lit my two candles. And when you light your candles, you say a prayer and then you get to have a private moment with G-d. I have a list of people I pray for in that moment. But I choked. All I could ask is why G-d? Why this baby? Why us?
Then we got ready for the kiddush. We sang it out loud, the long version… and I choked.
Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who has hallowed us with His commandments, has desired us, and has given us, in love and goodwill, His holy Shabbat as a heritage, in remembrance of the work of Creation; the first of the holy festivals, commemorating the Exodus from Egypt. For You have chosen us and sanctified us from among all the nations, and with love and goodwill given us Your holy Shabbat as a heritage. Blessed are You Lord, who hallows the Shabbat.
How do I bless you when I am hurting so bad? How do I thank you for giving me this heritage but taking my babies?
I cried as we said these prayers. But I said them. I still praised G-d in the face of the hurt. Why? Because I know that G-d loves me and these challenges make me a better person. They SUCK but I know with each challenge we get stronger as people and as a couple.
I thank G-d for bringing Dan and me together. I thank G-d for bringing Soba into our lives. I thank G-d for our health and happiness. Now I just ask G-d to give us some answers as to why we have been diagnosed with recurrent pregnancy loss and to please give us our take home baby.
October 28, 2016
October 26, 2016
October 21, 2016