Today was a hectic day. Meeting after meeting. Project after project. Email after email. I cranked all day. But there was something that was never far from my mind today.Today, our little girl, our second baby, was due. I felt such hope about that pregnancy. Surely after our first loss, G-d would help us keep this baby. All the signs were there. We found out we were pregnant on Dan's birthday. The baby was due on 3/3, one of the alternate dates we picked for our wedding. But also, if the baby was born on 3/3, we would share a hebrew birthday 13 Adar. We would both be Purim babies. And if this baby came two weeks late (just like I did) we would share an English birthday. My in-laws, my stepmother and I all share March birthdays. See?! So many signs.
But that little girl was not meant to come home with us. She was very ill, we found out after we lost her and it was (we learned from the doctor) better that she wasn't born. But she and her older sibling (due 12/13/14) are never far from my mind. I wear a little heart necklace all the time now. It reminds me of the two little hearts that aren't here with us. I know that they are in our hearts though and their little brother who, G-d willing, will join us in June will be a very special part of our family.A loss mom said to me once, "I was so sad about my miscarriage but after I had my son, I realized that without that loss, I wouldn't have the amazing boy I have today."So I was sad on 12/13/14 and 3/3/15 but I am so thank-full and joy-full that this little man is growing perfectly inside me. Baby Boy Haykin - we can't wait to meet you! (But stay safe in there as long as you need to!!)Cross posted from TaliaSheWrote.com
It's been a while...
I have to stop feeling guilty for not writing. I get so busy with life and neglect my blogs and then I feel guilty for not writing and then the cycle continues. However, in recent days I have been sending people to my blog for a multitude of reasons and it has amplified my guilt...So here's an update. After our two heartbreaking miscarriages last year, I am pregnant again and this one is looking really good. Currently I am 23 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a little boy. He will be, G-d willing, making his appearance in June.The road to this place has been really bumpy. And I have had a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head. I have chastised myself for not blogging through a lot of these thoughts at 1am when I can't sleep... because I am often so busy during the day (and my 'baby brain' is so intense) that I always forget my thoughts and never get them down. It's usually the quiet moments when my son is bouncing around inside of me like I am a human bouncy castle and the insomnia is on full blast, that I think of these things. It's also when I remember all the work I've forgotten to do and the errands I forgotten to run.I'm proud of my body for getting us here. In three short days, we will hit our next milestone... viability. Meaning if our son was born, he would have a chance of surviving. He's kicking me as I type this... haha, maybe he's mad at me for not being able to see 40 (or 42) weeks as the end point. I'm just too jaded to get that comfortable with assuming it will completely work out well.This pregnancy, we only went week to week. In the first trimester, we got weekly ultrasounds and our lives built up until that moment when we saw his heartbeat. Then we nonchalantly talked about dinner and a grocery store run and forgot about it all until the next week. After we got out of the first trimester, I kept putting off telling people. I was just so afraid to lose the baby again. At 10 weeks, we had a free cell DNA test. They take my blood, separate the baby's DNA from mine and tell us if anything is or could be wrong with him. That's also when we found out our boy was going to be a boy. By 12 weeks, we had the results back... he was perfectly healthy as far as they could see and he was a he. It was then when we decided we could celebrate, just the two (three) of us. Finally, around 14 weeks we told friends and family with a note in our holiday cards and then a facebook post.
I had so many creative ideas during the first two pregnancies... and I was going to take week by week bump pictures... for this pregnancy, I couldn't even think that far in advance. I was barely making it to our Friday appointments. But as it became public and I became very obviously pregnant and there weren't any more tests the doctor could run to make sure he would be ok... we started to believe this is our reality. I'm still not quite at the "My son will be here in June" place yet... but my big ole' belly and his incessant kicks before bedtime make sure I can't ignore the life inside me.So Thursday is 24 weeks... the next milestone. Then we will get into the third trimester around the middle of the 27th week. Then I am traveling to Florida for work (with Dan in tow to carry the bags, or me, or my barf bag... flying and I don't agree when pregnant... but it's not stopped me), then Passover, then my little cousins' bar/bat mitzvah (twins), then time to plant the garden, then a long distance Mazal Tov to my cousin getting married in Rhode Island because I can't travel at 37+(!!!!!!) weeks, then my brother's 30th (!!!!) birthday, then either my son will be here or we will be celebrating his father's birthday and then he will be here!When you put it all into one paragraph... it doesn't seem that far from now... But then I look back at the YEAR I have spent pregnant (yes, off and on) and I thank G-d it's not that far from now.Last March, when I was starry eyed about starting this family, I would never have guessed that I would be here. Twelve whole months later, pregnant THREE times, and six months pregnant. It's beyond belief.Here's us - me at 21 weeks, Dan at... well... handsome.
Cross posted from TaliaSheWrote.com
Blink of an eye
Life can change in a blink of an eye. Everything is so delicate. We may not realize it because our world is hard and fast but it's not always. And in the most tragic times, we often close up on ourselves and stay quiet. We create a safe space and control that space. But as I think about this, I am reminded of an episode of the Dennis Prager show's "Male/Female Hour." He discusses the importance of having 'couple' friends that you can open up to. Often we lie or 'vaguebook' or pretend that the world is so perfect for us when in reality we are struggling just like everyone else. And why can't we share? Well we are afraid someone will exploit this knowledge of us or we won't be seen as perfect.Something recently happened to us that made me want to shake that stigma... hard. So here it goes...Daniel and I were expecting our first child. We were over the moon. The little bean was due 12/13/14 and if you know me, you know I love plays on words and numbers. What a cool due date. We were planning a garden or champagne or other cool reveal. But one day, 7 weeks and 6 days in, something changed. We saw blood and got scared. We called my doctor and then went to the ER. At the ER I got lots of blood drawn, a Rhogam shot (I am a negative blood type) and an ultrasound. On this ultrasound we saw a beautiful but tiny bean with a STRONG heartbeat (141). However, the doctor set expectations low. We could lose this child. There is no obvious reason for the bleeding. We spent the weekend in complete relaxation mode. As the doctor said "no pogo sticking, no sky diving, no roller coasters." We took the advice more practically and I rested the whole time. I began cramping on Saturday and we saw red blood (a sign of miscarriage). However, we never saw much so we held out hope. We had to wait until Monday for a doctor's appointment to do another blood draw and ultrasound.The wait was nearly unbearable. As the moments ticked closer to the 2pm appointment, I broke out in cold sweats and nausea. We went in and the doctor, after hearing our story, sounded very positive. But then we did an ultrasound. There was our bean, no longer with a beating heart. We had lost our first child at 8 weeks. I was prescribed medication to help the process along... I could not just 'wait' for it to happen naturally. Sadly, the medication did not work and I had to go in for a D&C on wednesday.Baby Haykin left us on 5/5/14. We found out that Baby Haykin was in the works on 4/4/14... you know how I love numbers.As I reflected on my situation, I was leaning hard on my new friends from the pregnancy website I had been frequenting. They were other moms with losses, etc. The anonymity gave us the freedom to speak. And I realized, I don't know one person (that has said anything to me) who has lost a child. Who would I call? Who, among my friends, has had a miscarriage? Who knows the pain I now know of growing a child, only to lose it before meeting them? No one. We don't discuss this in life. And that bothers me. Because just like Dennis Prager said, if we all fake a good life to each other, we are measuring by fake rulers. The reality is, I have lost a baby. An 8 week old baby but one that was deeply loved and wanted. Daniel and I have both grieved hard for this baby to be. So I decided to put myself out there and share out grief in the hopes that if you, my friend or reader or acquaintance, are facing this, you know that you have someone in your corner that gets it. That knows what it is like to stare at your toilet paper trying to decipher what color that is. A person who knows the fear when the cramps come.I am openly sharing this with the world so you know you are not alone. A miscarriage can happen to anyone at any time. A healthy person, a sick person. No matter who you are. But don't be scared. Be strong.Please G-d, we will bring so many baby Haykins into the world some day soon.