Dating has been on my mind a lot lately. And by lately I don't mean the past few days... We are talking months folks. I have been thinking a lot about dating and how to date and who to date and how to find people to date and all sorts of permutations. But it has all come to a head recently as I am no longer single. Very happy to say that, very happy in general. BUT that is not the point. I have been talking to friends over the past few years about how to date and I have even shifted the way I date based on what I have learned.Way back in my younger days, when I was in my early 20's, dating was just pure fun. Right, so I knew a few things like I wanted to get married and have a Jewish home but eh, I'm 22.... I have time. Dating was a fear of having a conversation "too deep" because it might scare him off. Get a free meal, have some fun, and maybe you'll see him for more than a few dates. Don't get me wrong, I was always searching for Mr. Right... I just didn't know how else to do it. I figured if we had enough fun together the substance part will happen.And then I got older.And older.And I realized my 20's were a string of mediocre first dates with guys who really weren't a good match for me but for some reason or another I found them attractive. I learned a lot from them, yes but no soul mate. So here I am, trucking along into my late 20's with no flipping clue how to find the right guy or know that he is the right one. This ain't no fairy tale, right? No fairy godmothers to go bipity bopity boo. And while a gut can tell you a lot (if you have a good one and trust it), you need to ask the right questions too (which was recently brought to my attention).So I have dated in a secular manner and I have dated through the traditional shidduch (matchmaker) style. Now looking back, there are a lot of benefits in the Jewish Orthodox shidduch dating. Why, you ask? How can you really know someone when you can't touch them? Ah, grasshopper, let me tell you about it...I have dated men in the past, as have some of my girl friends, who can't keep their hands off you. From the first minute of the first date. I don't need to hold your hand on the first date. I don't need a goodnight kiss and I really will not end up in bed with you. How anyone thinks that is appropriate, I don't know. Why? Because I am not looking for a partner tonight. I am looking for a life mate. The physicality overshadows everything. Substitute the touching for intense conversation and learning about each other? Yes please.So instead of touching you are talking. Getting to know each other deeply... in the brain. That sets the stage for a growing relationship. As one of my friends said, "We Orthodox don't look for boyfriends, love or romance... we look to KNOW the other person for purposes of marriage. Find a man you KNOW will respect you as a princess and all the rest will come with later!" Now, I may not agree 100% but that is how she approached her dating and she is very happily married with two little girls. I want love and romance but I know that is doesn't just appear out of thin air. It needs a base to grow on.So where does that base come from? Well, as I got myself deeper into this I learned... questions. Asking questions. That is how you develop the strong base. What kind of questions? Well I asked my focus group (my Facebook friends) this question. Here is what we came up with:
- If you were evacuated from your home, what four things would you grab first? (Assume all people and pets are able to get out safely on their own)
- What are four qualities that you have that you wouldn't want your children to have?
- What posuk (verse) do you feel most connected to and why?
- What abstract nouns they think are the most important for a good relationship between people (kindness, humor, patience, chemistry, whatever can be the answer). (Then compare to what you think the most successful relationships you know--the ones you want to emulate--have going for them.)
- Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?
- What are your hobbies?
- What are your happiest / saddest / proudest / most embarrassing moments?
- What are your personal goals?
- What would you say are your philosophies about life?
- How about children? Want 'em? How do you want to raise 'em?
- Tell me about you financial habits, goals, and philosophies.
- Biggest financial weakness?
- How do you communicate? Do you like to solve problems or would rather not deal with them?
I love these. Some are so creative and some really hit to the heart of the matter. You want to know how you can get along with someone in the long term. How, as you grow in your relationship, you will react to each other and potentially grow together.