I was talking to a friend tonight about how so much hurt can be avoided if people were just honest with each other. We both recounted bad experiences and lessons that could have been learned easier if only we or our partners had the guts to just tell truth. What I think is so funny is you can always see it when someone else is in the middle of it but never when it is your own situation. You watch movies or read books and watch lives and relationships unravel all because of a misunderstanding or the inability to just have a simple conversation.And I am not denying that the conversation is one of the hardest ones most of us are faced with, however, for 20 minutes of facing reality and confronting yourself and your partner with the truth, you can save hours, days, weeks, months, even years of pain, hurt, and resentment. But this seems to be the one conversation we shy away from.I was telling my friend about a situation with a guy I was seeing a few years back. We were having a blast, cooking together, enjoying each other's company. For a few months we had a great time and without warning or a word, he stopped calling me. He stopped returning text messages, forgetting or canceling our dates. He was always too busy to see me. But I never knew why. He always had an excuse but never a reason.So I finally got him to meet me for lunch. I wasn't living in Denver then and drove all the way down to meet him at a restaurant. We got 30 minutes into lunch... an excruciating 30 minutes, until I just asked him what the hell was going on. What happened to us? He fumbled. He stumbled. He poked around until he finally came out and told me he had started seeing someone else.I won't say I wasn't hurt because I was. I was sad. But I think I was really sad because he couldn't tell me. Because he had led me on for weeks, letting me believe he cared about me when in reality he wanted to be with someone else. And he didn't understand why I was hurt. I politely, yet abruptly got up and left the restaurant wishing I never had to see him again. Except, at the time, we worked together and I had to work with him every so often. And that was hard and I will be honest and say I was a bit vindictive in my conversations with him at the time (the woman he dumped me for was in the process of a divorce but in the very early stages... when she became available, I became irrelevant).It never feels good to be worthless to someone, easily thrown over... that isn't a good feeling for anyone.But sadly, that wasn't the only time this has happened to me. A very similar... nearly identical situation has happened more recently. And in addition to that there was the guy who kept me a secret until I realized I was just the girl that he was ashamed of but liked to have around. Why else would you keep someone hidden? So I ask, why can't you just be honest with me? Tell me where you are in your life, tell me that you enjoy my company (only if you do) but are involved with someone else or hope to be involved with someone else.It is just so unreal. The pain that comes from the omission, the clearly avoidable pain. Because finding out this way makes you question yourself... makes you think, "I must not be as good as them." And frankly, that just isn't fair to me.I have adopted the honesty policy for myself. After these types of situations and being in relationships that are uncomfortable, I try to be honest with my partner... and I've been called mean and a bitch for it but it really does spare the pain in the long run.And the, I suppose, funniest part of this whole thing... I don't hate them. They hurt me, a lot, yes. Their cowardice and inability to look me in the eye and say, "I am sorry but..." is painful but they were in my life for some reason and I still care for them. But that is a burden I put on myself and I take that responsibility.So just be honest. Please. It sucks for a minute but saves you the long-term hurt.
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