In March, a friend asked me if I would be interested in meeting a guy friend of hers. "He's a really nice guy and very cute," she told me. "Sure," I said, "send me a picture?" She did and man, was this guy cute.We spoke for the first time in the beginning of April (2012). Halfway through our first date, I texted my roommate, "This is the man I am going to marry."Our dating experience could have been typical... dinners out, movies, etc. But our romance was far from that. About our second or third date, I told him about the garden I was setting up. You see, that winter I had put my name on a list to get a community garden plot at Ekar Farm here in Denver. Ekar is a part of the Denver Urban Gardens movement but it is more than a community garden. There is also a farm that produced almost 6,500 pounds of organic produce and donated it to Jewish Family Service's Weinberg Food Pantry. They have honey bees and apple trees and it is quite a beautiful place... but it wasn't that beautiful on April 1st when I saw my overgrown plot for the first time. I started to think I was a little out of my league.
But then I met this guy... or as he is referred to on this blog, Sweet Boyfriend. You see, I invited him to join me at the garden one Sunday (after our third date) to help me clear out the plot and turn over the soil.We went to the garden with another friend of mine and pulled weeds. We cleared the old radishes out of the plot and he hand tilled the soil. Then we put bat poop and earthworm 'castings' (it's a fancy word for poop) on the soil. We tilled that and watered and watered and watered.He showed me how to set up the garden and we put some seeds in the ground. A few of my favorite veggies... carrots, beans, beets... he smiled nicely and let me do it... even though it wasn't the right season.But as our garden began to grow, and it did begin to grow... because he put MORE seeds in and starter plants, so did our relationship. On Sundays we would go to the garden and water and pick. Most days of the week he would water... unless I managed to get out of the door on time or he was out of town. I was so proud of this little plot of land! I didn't want to 'break' it.We read about gardens, he was growing tomatoes out of pots on his back porch. AND he had a garden at his parents house... he was now master gardener of THREE gardens!And then something magical happened. Just as we saw the seeds begin to sprout, he took me to a very cute bar and told me he loved me and had known he loved me for a while. I couldn't help but tell him that I had loved him for a while as well.Our love had sprouted.
We both traveled in and out of town. We started spending every second of every day that we had available together. Phone calls to parents were missed... friends forgot what we looked like. We were absorbing each other. And so were our plants.Our empty plot began to have tiny plants. My impatience led to many conversations with these little guys, begging them to grow big and give me delicious food... little did I know...Our little plants needed support and care. Sweet Boyfriend bought poles and netting... stepping stones and organic plant food. Every time I visited the garden, there were new surprises.Every time I looked at Sweet Boyfriend, the depth of love I felt for him surprised me. How could I love him so very much in just two months, three months?! While he and I both remained somewhat skeptical and trying to think critically... though he more than I (which you know if you know us). But there was a tug there that was undeniable. To think of life without him... I draw a blank.
And then, we produced our first vegetable. His name was Bob and he was a Calabacita. It means squash in Spanish but it is an actual kind squash. I WAS SO PROUD! In fact, I took the opportunity to freak out my parents by sending them an email with the subject line: "Sweet Boyfriend and I are proud to announce..."Yes, they were mad at me when they opened the email and it said - "Our first squash named Bob!" :) Bob was incredibly delicious. We went on to eat many Bobs... son of Bob, tiny Bob, giant Bob... Bob is good.Yes, that is Bob in the picture. We had no idea what he was at first but to taste the fruits of our labor? To eat something that we had grown together? Incredible. We ate him on Fourth of July... which was the same day that we as a couple, for the first time, hosted people at Sweet Boyfriend's house for a BBQ.We continued to show the world that our relationship was bearing fruit (or vegetables... or Bobs as the case may be).And yes, our relationship continued to evolve and grow. We met each others families and best friends. We even flew to Ann Arbor, Michigan so I could meet Sweet Boyfriend's very best friend from college. We created Jewish traditions for Shabbat and Havdallah. We got tickets to our first High Holy Days together.
And then yesterday, Thursday September, 27th, 2012... as our garden was in full bloom, Sweet Boyfriend... my best friend... asked me to marry him in our garden. The garden that we nurtured and helped grow. The garden that has now produced nearly 250 pounds of produce. And, as I promised so many friends... here is how he did it:We are currently sharing a car as his blew up prior to a camping trip. He needed it yesterday for work so he dropped me off at my job in the morning. He came to pick me up after work. We had talked about maybe working out that afternoon but first we HAD to stop by the garden. It had been a rainy and cool few days and with Yom Kippur, we hadn't been to the garden in a couple of days. He lured me there with the notion that our watermelon... yes we grew a watermelon!!! might be ready.That day I had forwarded him an email from the minyan (a lay led synagogue) that we had been attending, suggesting that we should join and do a couples membership. He told me "Whoa, lo0k you have to give me a night to think about this. Joining a synagogue as a couple is a big step. I mean, it says something, especially if we aren't even engaged!"I could kick myself! How could I do that?! Scaring off the Sweet Boyfriend is NOT a good idea!So we proceeded to the garden. I flitted around... picking zucchinis and patty-pans while Sweet Boyfriend is off in a corner. La la la... no worries in the world.Sweet Boyfriend says: "Babe! Come here! You have to see this!"I come running. Is it a awesome squash? A yellow patty-pan? I come running. Just as I get to him, he turns around, looks me in the eyes and says: "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." 
I froze. Holy crap. That isn't a squash. That is a ring. A beautiful ring."Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes," I said."Can I put this thing on your finger before I drop it in the dirt?" Sweet Boyfriend said.Of course. And though, after a touch of canoodling in the garden, I was ready to get back to picking... he informed me that it was all just a ruse to get me there. And there is champagne on ice at home. And we are going out to dinner.Whoa, can this man plan!
When it was all said and done, he has been planning this for a while. He spoke to my father at break the fast after Yom Kippur, the day before, to get permission. His folks have seen and approved of the ring (and me).He became a diamond expert and purchased me a stone cut in a vintage style... to match my vintage style... and he proposed to me in the garden we grew together. So I must tell you this, I promised him I would not use his name online. He is a phantom like that... but he is no longer Sweet Boyfriend and Sweet Fiancee seems so temporary. Since, to us, this is as good as permanent... May I introduce you to Sweet Husband? Whoa, that was weird to write. :)
No Pants Dance Update - Month One
Okay, I know. I totally suck. I haven't updated you except for the fast, tiny update at the start of the month. I am SO sorry! June was been quite a whirlwind month and I don't think I even had three seconds to do anything! (Including, by the way, shopping!)Part of this craziness was induced by a short notice 10 day trip to Israel. Yes. It was incredible but I was also concerned about breaking my no pants skirt dance. For those of you just joining us, after reading a very inspiring article in May, I decided to put my choices spending (optional stuff, clothing, etc) on hold for three months and see how I do. You can read about that here - No Pants Dance.I promised to blog about it and I horribly failed to do that this first month. But fortunately, that is about the biggest failure from the first month (and I blame it on insane traveling schedules and falling head over heels in love with my sweet boyfriend). My boyfriend and I were playing travel tag. I went on a trip then he went on a trip (we didn't see each other for two weeks solid!) then we were home together for a week and I left for a 10 day trip to Israel. So we were spending every second we had staring into each others eyes and telling each other how awesome and cute we are. It was a lot of work! :)When I came home, I had about a week to get myself together again and then it was his birthday and my sorority's international convention held right here in Denver... a convention that I had been on the committee for and been planning for TWO YEARS! Okay, so seriously, this is my first week back into any sort of normal groove. 
But let's look at how I did on the No Pants Skirt Dance in June:
I spent VERY wisely when I was abroad. I did not go insane and buy the entire state of Israel. I limited myself to one treat (a dress from the shuk) and then got sweet boyfriend a kippah (skullcap), some tea that he enjoys, a cute magnet for our refrigerator collection, and a bunch of spices to play with when we cook. I didn't eat out much but I did get a couple of the fabulous ice cafes that are pretty unique to Israel (it's like a frappachino... with real coffee... you can't get coffee with ice cubes in it in Israel... well you can but it takes some explaining).
I had already purchased Sweet Boyfriend's birthday presents prior to the beginning of the No Pants Skirts Dance. That was very good. I did have to get a bit of packaging for them but it wasn't too bad.
There were some expenses involved in the traveling and the convention that I had not anticipated. It amounted to a couple hundred bucks... that disappointed me but at least I had it because I wasn't spending that money on other non-essentials.
The best part of June was when I came home and Sweet Boyfriend decided that he was going to take the challenge too. Since this is for OUR future, he said, we should do this together. So he is on a No Pants Dance too. He decided he liked polo shirts for the summer but only had two. He had a credit from purchases on ebay plus we are selling some older shirts and thus, getting more useful items while not spending any money! Brilliant!
Oh... one other thing did happen in the middle of this crazy month... I found out that my identity was stolen. Yes. Some jerk decided not live his own life on his own merits and hard work and would rather live on mine. Fortunately, I caught it pretty early. They used one of my existing credit cards and opened another... and tried but failed to open yet another. I went through a fairly intensive process of filing police reports, filing reports with the FTC, sending in fraud alerts, etc. And that was an additional unexpected expense... purchasing protection and monitoring for my credit and identity.
Sweet Boyfriend has been incredibly encouraging and helpful in this whole situation. He is a financial wiz so he is able to give me a realistic view of the future of our finances and frankly... if I keep working hard, it looks pretty good!$$ update:
I am currently putting a third of my income towards paying down my debt. At this rate, I will be clear of all debt, except my car payment and my student loan payments, within 8-9 months. If I can hold out, the No Pants Skirt Dance may last that long. This is all still while contributing to my 401k and putting away savings.
Once those debts are paid off, I will be putting that 33(ish) percent of my income towards the car and savings. I am hoping to build a strong financial base for myself and my future family. I know what it feels like to just scrape by and it is not a good feeling. I don't want my kids to have to deal with that.
For once in my life, I am actually jazzed about finances. It does help to have a smarty pants Sweet Boyfriend around...
T-8 Days Until the No Pants Dance
I announced here yesterday that I would be starting a No Pants Skirts Dance on June 1.What does that mean? Well, it means that I won't be buying clothing or knickknacks for three months. I'm cutting my extraneous shopping budget down to zero (just like Captain Planet and pollution... sorry, that song was in my head). I was scared and a bit nervous for several reasons.First, I hate doing these things so 'publicly' (aka on my blog) because I do not like to fail and I like even less when I fail publicly. Well... you don't fail publicly if you don't make it public, am I right? Okay, anyway, I don't like making pronouncements.Next, I made the decision to mention my boyfriend (you remember him, the one who is awesome and incredible?) in my blog. I do not blog about my dating life very much and it especially made me nervous because this relationship is going so well and he is not an internet guy. So I was worried about how he might respond to it.Well... I'm less worried now. Sweet Boyfriend supports me, is my self-proclaimed biggest cheerleader, and even went against his anti-internet presence ways to leave a comment on my blog! WHOA! That's a big deal.I feel so supported by my great friends who commented and DH (as we will now refer to Sweet Boyfriend since that is how he outed himself). I am thankful for this support and am looking forward to seeing how this all turns out!
No Pants Dance...
I recently read the most awesomest article on my new favorite financial planning website. It is called LearnVest and offers tools for women. So I read this article about how this woman started a No Pants Challenge. Here is the article, I highly recommend it... Why I Gave Up Clothes Shopping for Six Months.Her journey really inspired me and this has been something on my mind as of late. My fabulous and incredible boyfriend is phenomenal about money. He doesn't carry debt and doesn't want to... then I realized, if we were to stay together (G-d willing, because did I mention he is fabulous and incredible?) I would be his biggest (and possibly only) debt... UGH! I always knew my financial choices or inability to make good ones were going to bite me in the tush but... wow. To meet someone who has it all going on and realize my credit cards and student loans could be a stumbling block? Wow. Not only a stumbling block but don't I want to model good spending habits for my kids? Yeah, I do. I've gotten better, now to put it to the test.So I am taking Lyz Lenz's challenge. To read more about her journey and how she changed her life, check out No Pants 2012.For the next six three months (I've got to go easy on myself guys... it's my first time) I am doing the No Pants Skirts Dance.No clothing shopping. Unless it's an emergency. What is an emergency defined as? Freak squirrel accident where all my underwear is destroyed. Spontaneous combustion of all cute dresses. All bathing suits magically break. Or, most likely, I feel like I am going to lose it and go off my No Pants Skirts Dance and I get ONE cute thing to appease the demons. This might be hard because there is a lot of camping and fun summer activities in my future and I will NOT be allowed to purchase for them. Though I might go get hiking boots and/or a new pair of sneakers before I start since I do not have a decent pair of walking shoes.BUT this challenge will begin June 1.June 1st. Okay, I can do this... must unsubscribe to all the clothing newsletters... Ideeli, Kosher Casual, Coach, Fab, Gilt, Gap, Banana Republic, Old Navy, Nine West, Nordstrom, Target, JDeal, Groupon, Living Social... you get the idea... Oh dear. Send me words of encouragement please.Ah, I forgot the most important part. The money that does not go to shopping, will now go towards paying off my credit card debt. I am currently scheduled to have it paid off by March of 2013... here's hoping I can do it sooner...Wish me luck.
Why Honesty Is Always The Best Policy
I was talking to a friend tonight about how so much hurt can be avoided if people were just honest with each other. We both recounted bad experiences and lessons that could have been learned easier if only we or our partners had the guts to just tell truth. What I think is so funny is you can always see it when someone else is in the middle of it but never when it is your own situation. You watch movies or read books and watch lives and relationships unravel all because of a misunderstanding or the inability to just have a simple conversation.And I am not denying that the conversation is one of the hardest ones most of us are faced with, however, for 20 minutes of facing reality and confronting yourself and your partner with the truth, you can save hours, days, weeks, months, even years of pain, hurt, and resentment. But this seems to be the one conversation we shy away from.I was telling my friend about a situation with a guy I was seeing a few years back. We were having a blast, cooking together, enjoying each other's company. For a few months we had a great time and without warning or a word, he stopped calling me. He stopped returning text messages, forgetting or canceling our dates. He was always too busy to see me. But I never knew why. He always had an excuse but never a reason.So I finally got him to meet me for lunch. I wasn't living in Denver then and drove all the way down to meet him at a restaurant. We got 30 minutes into lunch... an excruciating 30 minutes, until I just asked him what the hell was going on. What happened to us? He fumbled. He stumbled. He poked around until he finally came out and told me he had started seeing someone else.I won't say I wasn't hurt because I was. I was sad. But I think I was really sad because he couldn't tell me. Because he had led me on for weeks, letting me believe he cared about me when in reality he wanted to be with someone else. And he didn't understand why I was hurt. I politely, yet abruptly got up and left the restaurant wishing I never had to see him again. Except, at the time, we worked together and I had to work with him every so often. And that was hard and I will be honest and say I was a bit vindictive in my conversations with him at the time (the woman he dumped me for was in the process of a divorce but in the very early stages... when she became available, I became irrelevant).It never feels good to be worthless to someone, easily thrown over... that isn't a good feeling for anyone.But sadly, that wasn't the only time this has happened to me. A very similar... nearly identical situation has happened more recently. And in addition to that there was the guy who kept me a secret until I realized I was just the girl that he was ashamed of but liked to have around. Why else would you keep someone hidden? So I ask, why can't you just be honest with me? Tell me where you are in your life, tell me that you enjoy my company (only if you do) but are involved with someone else or hope to be involved with someone else.It is just so unreal. The pain that comes from the omission, the clearly avoidable pain. Because finding out this way makes you question yourself... makes you think, "I must not be as good as them." And frankly, that just isn't fair to me.I have adopted the honesty policy for myself. After these types of situations and being in relationships that are uncomfortable, I try to be honest with my partner... and I've been called mean and a bitch for it but it really does spare the pain in the long run.And the, I suppose, funniest part of this whole thing... I don't hate them. They hurt me, a lot, yes. Their cowardice and inability to look me in the eye and say, "I am sorry but..." is painful but they were in my life for some reason and I still care for them. But that is a burden I put on myself and I take that responsibility.So just be honest. Please. It sucks for a minute but saves you the long-term hurt.
Do I, Can I, Should Anyone Believe In Love?
I was asked to write a piece (under 300 words) using the title as a jumping off point. Here's what I came up with, tell me your thoughts...
Do I, Can I, Should Anyone Believe In Love?What is love. It's not a question. Rather it is a reminder. Love is not what we see online or what Victoria's Secret sells us. Love is illusive, ever-changing, a living breathing entity.When I was a child, I didn't think much about love. I loved, yes, but there wasn't a thought behind it. I loved those in my life and they loved me back. I felt it in the warmth of their gaze.As I got older there was the fairytale love. The deep and all encompassing, emotional, even post-coital 'you just made me feel so warm and good' love. But that kind of love burns hot and fast and soon is out.Only as of late have I looked at love as an investment. Not an instant gift with purchase. It's more like layaway or buying a car. You put a deposit in the bank. You may not love them at first sight. You may not love them when they annoy you or leave the toilet seat up or nag you to death... but that is when you make a withdrawal from the account. And every time they kiss you on the forehead so sweetly or remember to buy your favorite cookie or let you take pictures of them when they really aren't into the mood... that's when you make the deposit.I don't know about love at first sight... but I do believe in the bank of love. And I am still looking for a co-signer on my account.
So what are your thoughts? Love at first sight? Should you even believe in love?
Hashkafic Awareness 101
Your השקפה - hashkafa is your level of observance/philosophy towards your Jewish practice.This has been seriously highlighted (highlit?) in my life lately. Really ever since I came to Jerusalem. Being on a path to increased observance for almost 12 years, there have been subtle changes to my hashkafa and some less subtle ones.Subtle - realizing all the sudden one day that I am not as comfortable as I have been in the past singing or dancing in front of men.Not subtle - dressing modestly, even in the heat of summer.Subtle - phasing out non-Kosher restaurants (starting by only eating dairy out then being vegetarian).Not subtle - turning off your cell phone for shabbis.You get the picture. But as I spend time in Israel, my practice and observance of Judaism has grown in leaps and bounds. I don't remember the last time I ate in a restaurant that served both milk and meat (here it is a part of the decision process... do you want to be fleshig [eat meat] or be chalavi [eat dairy]). I haven't driven a car, flipped on a light switch, or strained food during the 25 hours of shabbis in 8 weeks. Wow. But now I am in a place where I have to make decisions for the future. In my future home, with my future husband (G-d willing), how will we practice our Judaism?In my home growing up, we followed a lot of the spirit of the halacha (laws) but not always to the letter as defined by a certain rabbi or two. We enjoyed our shabbis and didn't spend money but we watched tv and turned on lights. Our definition of halacha was fluid and evolving. And I loved that but I also like some of the rules... however, some of the minutia is hard for me. You can't tear toilet paper, you can't file a nail, you have to pour the hot water in a cup then into a second cup and then put your Starbucks Via instant coffee in. Perhaps the minutia is hard for me because I didn't grow up with it so in an attempt to understand it better, I am going to have a chevrusa (study group) with one of my teachers/friends/most awesomest chick ever to learn more about these things so I can decide if I can put them into practice.You know what is most interesting to me? Certain things just make sense to me, even if they seem illogical to others. Like covering my hair when I get married. I am thrilled and excited to do it. It seems like a special bond between husband and wife. But I can't not file my nails on shabbis?Sometimes our hashkafa comes out of life experiences or bad experiences with others. My path towards tznius (modest) dressing began with a crappy relationship that left me feeling naked in the world. I realized I didn't want everyone to be privy to me and tznius & shomer negiah (not touching people of the opposite sex) was a way to protect that. Especially when your practice is born out of these types of situations, you have to ensure you are doing it for the right reasons and that they are sustainable, most certainly if you are making decisions about getting married.One of the things that irks me the most is when people assume that there is an end point to hashkafa... I think it is ever evolving. Translations change and so do we. What is relevant for you right now may not make sense in 15 years when your life situation has changed. Nothing is forever and nothing is for certain.That's why we should all just Jew in the now. Express our Judaism by making the word Jew a verb. Judaism is not just a label, it's an action. A hashkafa.
Zivug vs Beshert
In one of my classes last week we were talking about marriage and the concept of Beshert or Zivug. Beshert means soul-mate and zivug, as best as I can find means pair or partner.We were not able to get a clear or seemingly correct answer to the question of the difference of these two. All of the people that I have asked have indicated that in current times, they are exchangeable, meaning the same thing. Some sources online postulated that a beshert is just a match but your zivug is the perfect person you are supposed to be with. However, other sources online stated just the opposite, that your beshert is your perfect mate and zivug is the pair.I found this nice explination of the concept by Rabbi Baruch HaLevi -
Beshert = pre-destined, soulmate (Zivug Rishon in Talmudic and Kabbalistic Literature) Forty days before the formation of an embryo, a Heavenly voice proclaims: The daughter of this one is destined to marry this one. Sanhedrin 22a When Hashem first created man, He created Adam and Chavah together as one, and then He separated them. The RASHBA (TESHUVOS HA'RASHBA 1:60) explains that Hashem first created man and woman together and then separated them, so that they would later be able to come together and be joined and feel like a single unit. Perhaps it is for this reason that before the man is born a Bas Kol (Divine Voice) announces who his Zivug (partner) will be -- this shows that they both come from the same spiritual root, and that the woman that he eventually marries will be part of his own Neshamah (soul). It would be impossible to bond their souls together in such a way after they are created, and therefore Hashem bonds them together before they are created in order for them to be able to bond together strongly. (If one of them is a Tzadik and the other is a Rasha, then one can influence the other to improve since they are bonded together so strongly.) --Talmud, Sota 2 (adapted from Kollel Iyun Hadaf of Har Nof)
From this text it appears that your beshert is commonly accepted as your ultimate match while there are some Kabbalistic levels of zivug.To add another dimension here, I found this really great etymological breakdown of the word zivug. It is by Rabbi Julian Sinclair on the Jewish Chronical online.
A zivug is a life partner. In modern Hebrew today ben or bat zug is the politically correct term for ones significant other, equivalent to partner in English.The word has some surprising connections to contemporary English via a common Greek root. Zivug comes from the Greek zogen, meaning to join and zeugen, a pair. This comes from the same source as zygote, which, means a complex cell generated by the sexual reproduction of two gametes. According to the invaluable Jewish-words blog balashon, these derive from the Indo-European root yeug, meaning to join, from which we have the words conjugal, jugular, yoke and even yoga, which means union.The etymology tells us that a zivug is not just a life partner. It also has the sense of being the right life partner. The rabbis were under no illusions about how difficult the search for a zivug can be can be. The Talmud (Sotah 2a) writes that it is as hard (for God) to make zivugim as to split the Red Sea. Another source says that since creating the world, matching zivugim has been Gods principal occupation. On the one hand, the rabbis did express the sense of miraculousness about finding ones predestined other half. (Forty days before birth, a heavenly voice goes out and says, This persons son is for that persons daughter.) Yet they are aware, too, of the complexities of the quest for a mate; of first marriages and second marriages and missed opportunities, and how, nevertheless, one may find the right one, through whatever unfathomable means.
Fascinating!
The topic has been top of mind for me lately as I continue down my spiritual and ritually observant growth path. In secular society, I worried so much. "Have I missed my beshert?" "Did I not notice him?" "Did I lose out on him because I am in חוץ לארץ (chutz laaretz)*?" It is hard to date in secular society and even harder to date Jewish. Especially if you don't live in NYC. How do you meet people? How do you meet people who practice Judaism the same way you do? That is why I really like the שדכן (shadchan)** style of dating. People who know you setting you up with a person that THEY know to be a good person with similar traits. Now, not so good שדכנם (shadchanim) will set you up with someone because you are both over the age of 30 or something ridiculous. And yes, that has happened to me. But a truly good one will get to know you, listen to you, and match you based on your character traits that are compatible. There isn't really dating to date here. (And by here I mean with in the religiously observant world.) There is dating to marry. No one of this, stay in a bad relationship for 5 years but he won't propose. Meet, go on dates, decide if you get along and want to go on more, decide if you could marry this person after many dates, get married. OR meet, go on dates, decide that the chemistry isn't there, say thanks but no thanks. There are, of course, some downsides but all in all, I sincerely prefer it to secular dating.Novel idea, eh?Glossary -*חוץ לארץ - chutz laaretz = The diaspora**שדכן - shadchan = matchmaker (without all the negative connotations and Fiddler on the Roof references that you are thinking of RIGHT NOW)