3/3/15

Today was a hectic day. Meeting after meeting. Project after project. Email after email. I cranked all day. But there was something that was never far from my mind today.Today, our little girl, our second baby, was due. I felt such hope about that pregnancy. Surely after our first loss, G-d would help us keep this baby. All the signs were there. We found out we were pregnant on Dan's birthday. The baby was due on 3/3, one of the alternate dates we picked for our wedding. But also, if the baby was born on 3/3, we would share a hebrew birthday 13 Adar. We would both be Purim babies. And if this baby came two weeks late (just like I did) we would share an English birthday. My in-laws, my stepmother and I all share March birthdays. See?! So many signs.I carry you in my heartBut that little girl was not meant to come home with us. She was very ill, we found out after we lost her and it was (we learned from the doctor) better that she wasn't born. But she and her older sibling (due 12/13/14) are never far from my mind. I wear a little heart necklace all the time now. It reminds me of the two little hearts that aren't here with us. I know that they are in our hearts though and their little brother who, G-d willing, will join us in June will be a very special part of our family.A loss mom said to me once, "I was so sad about my miscarriage but after I had my son, I realized that without that loss, I wouldn't have the amazing boy I have today."So I was sad on 12/13/14 and 3/3/15 but I am so thank-full and joy-full that this little man is growing perfectly inside me. Baby Boy Haykin - we can't wait to meet you! (But stay safe in there as long as you need to!!)

It's been a while...

I have to stop feeling guilty for not writing. I get so busy with life and neglect my blogs and then I feel guilty for not writing and then the cycle continues. However, in recent days I have been sending people to my blog for a multitude of reasons and it has amplified my guilt...So here's an update. After our two heartbreaking miscarriages last year, I am pregnant again and this one is looking really good. Currently I am 23 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a little boy. He will be, G-d willing, making his appearance in June.The road to this place has been really bumpy. And I have had a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head. I have chastised myself for not blogging through a lot of these thoughts at 1am when I can't sleep... because I am often so busy during the day (and my 'baby brain' is so intense) that I always forget my thoughts and never get them down. It's usually the quiet moments when my son is bouncing around inside of me like I am a human bouncy castle and the insomnia is on full blast, that I think of these things. It's also when I remember all the work I've forgotten to do and the errands I forgotten to run.I'm proud of my body for getting us here. In three short days, we will hit our next milestone... viability. Meaning if our son was born, he would have a chance of surviving. He's kicking me as I type this... haha, maybe he's mad at me for not being able to see 40 (or 42) weeks as the end point. I'm just too jaded to get that comfortable with assuming it will completely work out well.This pregnancy, we only went week to week. In the first trimester, we got weekly ultrasounds and our lives built up until that moment when we saw his heartbeat. Then we nonchalantly talked about dinner and a grocery store run and forgot about it all until the next week. After we got out of the first trimester, I kept putting off telling people. I was just so afraid to lose the baby again. At 10 weeks, we had a free cell DNA test. They take my blood, separate the baby's DNA from mine and tell us if anything is or could be wrong with him. That's also when we found out our boy was going to be a boy. By 12 weeks, we had the results back... he was perfectly healthy as far as they could see and he was a he. It was then when we decided we could celebrate, just the two (three) of us. Finally, around 14 weeks we told friends and family with a note in our holiday cards and then a facebook post.soba annoucement I had so many creative ideas during the first two pregnancies... and I was going to take week by week bump pictures... for this pregnancy, I couldn't even think that far in advance. I was barely making it to our Friday appointments. But as it became public and I became very obviously pregnant and there weren't any more tests the doctor could run to make sure he would be ok... we started to believe this is our reality. I'm still not quite at the "My son will be here in June" place yet... but my big ole' belly and his incessant kicks before bedtime make sure I can't ignore the life inside me.So Thursday is 24 weeks... the next milestone. Then we will get into the third trimester around the middle of the 27th week. Then I am traveling to Florida for work (with Dan in tow to carry the bags, or me, or my barf bag... flying and I don't agree when pregnant... but it's not stopped me), then Passover, then my little cousins' bar/bat mitzvah (twins), then time to plant the garden, then a long distance Mazal Tov to my cousin getting married in Rhode Island because I can't travel at 37+(!!!!!!) weeks, then my brother's 30th (!!!!) birthday, then either my son will be here or we will be celebrating his father's birthday and then he will be here!When you put it all into one paragraph... it doesn't seem that far from now... But then I look back at the YEAR I have spent pregnant (yes, off and on) and I thank G-d it's not that far from now.Last March, when I was starry eyed about starting this family, I would never have guessed that I would be here. Twelve whole months later, pregnant THREE times, and six months pregnant. It's beyond belief.Here's us - me at 21 weeks, Dan at... well... handsome.Denver Jewish Film Fest Opening Night

What's In A Name?

This piece originally appeared at ModernLoss.com under the title "Call Me A Mother." Understandably, it was edited and trimmed down. Here are my musings on my losses and what the hell to call me, in full ramble.

“What’s on your mind?” asked Facebook.The empty box sat there. Staring at me. Prompting me to say something. Do you say something? What do you say? Who are you now?Mother’s Day, 2014. Not seven days earlier my husband and I lost our first baby. Perhaps we should zoom further back.My husband and I got married on 3/10/13 (I have a thing for numbers). The moment we got married, the questions started. When are you going to get pregnant? Are you pregnant?We decided that after a short 11 months of knowing each other before we got married that we would take a year of “just us” time before we started trying for a family. I would tell everyone who asked me “my husband demanded a year of marital bliss first” and that seemed to work. But after our first anniversary, the voices got louder.On 4/4/14 (see, numbers) I found out that we were expecting our first child. Welp, that was easy, I thought. Until a month later when I started bleeding and cramping... On 5/5, the loss of our baby was confirmed at almost 8 weeks. On 5/7 I had a D&C (dilation and curettage) surgery to complete the process. On 5/11, Mother’s Day, I felt bombarded.Beautiful babies and proud mommies filled my newsfeed. “Thanks to my baby girl for making me a mom!” “Happy Mother’s Day to the amazing moms I know!”The whole week prior I just wanted to crawl under a rock. I stared listlessly at the tv screen and computer, unable to rally myself to any action. But something about Mother’s Day made me want to speak out. So, for the first time, I told the world (aka my Facebook friend feed) that I was a mom. For only 8 weeks, I carried a baby in my belly but I still felt like a mom.Fast forward through the doctors’ visits and the “actually it happens to one in four women” conversations, my husband and I were lucky to get pregnant again. We found out the day after my husband’s birthday, 6/25. But by 8/15, we found out that we had lost our baby again, this time at nearly 12 weeks.By now I feel like a mother, though I’ve never held my babies in my arms. But what would society call me? They don’t seem to see me as a mother because they’ve never seen me push a stroller down the street. Someone close to me, who also lost a baby, said to me one day, “you know, they have a word for when you lose your parents and they have a word for when you lose your spouse but what do you call a parent who has lost a child?” She had brilliantly encapsulated exactly how I felt that Mother’s Day, staring at the Facebook prompt “what’s on your mind?”WHAT AM I?And it seems I’m not alone. There are numerous articles and questions floating around the internet about this. One in particular struck me. A woman, who lost her 19-year-old son, titled her blog “Always A Mom Of Four.” I know that even though my sweet babies were lost before I met them, I am now a mom to two and my future (G-d willing) children, will know of their siblings lost. Why? Because that is life and it’s our reality.But again, what do you call me? Some circles have started using the Sanskrit word “Vilomah.” It literally means, "against a natural order" and not entirely out of the blue to use since the origin of the word widow is also Sanskrit. Some use the Greek, “Tethligons,” which means, “bereaved parent.” In Hebrew we have, "sh'khol" (שכול) and perhaps that is the word I am searching for. There doesn’t seem to be an English equivalent. It is often translated to “bereavement” but that is not accurate. It is an adjective used in relation to the loss of a young family member, thus for a child. So that would make me שכולה אם - em shakula – a mother who lost her child(ren).But really, I just want you to call me a mother and respect the journey I’ve been through. Not to trivialize my loss since they weren’t born or to tell me I’ll have that same kid another time. Not to tell me my feelings aren’t real since I never met the babies. To respect my unfortunate expertise here.Oh and please don’t call on 12/13 or 3/3. Those will always be important dates for me (their due dates) but, this year at least, I will probably be staying under the covers with my puppy and husband, avoiding all Facebook prompts.

Thanking G-d

There are just moments when thanking G-d comes so easily. You don't even think about it. Before you eat, after you eat, on shabbat, Rosh Hashanah... we all just say the prayers and don't think about it.And then there are the moments when you choke over the praise. When tears fill your eyes and the words trip over your tongue. How can I praise you right now? How can I thank you for your wondrous blessings when I am hurting?We lost our second pregnancy on Friday (8/15/14). Well, we found out that we lost our second baby on Friday. Our baby was gone for a little while before that and my body didn't know. We came home and grieved. We cried and screamed at G-d. We held each other tight and whispered promises of love and the future. Our dog Soba whimpered and licked our feet. And we prepared for Shabbat dinner.My brother was flying in from NYC that night and Dan went to the airport, grocery store, and liquor store on his way home. He brought me chicken and gin and my beloved Ronin. We drank (that's the only bonus of this situation... you can drink through the pain) and joked and cried and laughed. And then I lit the Shabbat candles. The candles that I had been thinking about adding a new one to... our tradition is to add a candle to the ones you light on Friday night for each child. While I was single I lit one and when I got married I lit two... I dreamed of buying a fancy candle set if we were having a girl so I could pass that set on to her when she got married.But I lit my two candles. And when you light your candles, you say a prayer and then you get to have a private moment with G-d. I have a list of people I pray for in that moment. But I choked. All I could ask is why G-d? Why this baby? Why us?Then we got ready for the kiddush. We sang it out loud, the long version... and I choked.

Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who has hallowed us with His commandments, has desired us, and has given us, in love and goodwill, His holy Shabbat as a heritage, in remembrance of the work of Creation; the first of the holy festivals, commemorating the Exodus from Egypt. For You have chosen us and sanctified us from among all the nations, and with love and goodwill given us Your holy Shabbat as a heritage. Blessed are You Lord, who hallows the Shabbat. 

How do I bless you when I am hurting so bad? How do I thank you for giving me this heritage but taking my babies?I cried as we said these prayers. But I said them. I still praised G-d in the face of the hurt. Why? Because I know that G-d loves me and these challenges make me a better person. They SUCK but I know with each challenge we get stronger as people and as a couple.I thank G-d for bringing Dan and me together. I thank G-d for bringing Soba into our lives. I thank G-d for our health and happiness. Now I just ask G-d to give us some answers as to why we have been diagnosed with recurrent pregnancy loss and to please give us our take home baby.

Life|Love|Loss

Life is full of love and loss. Anyone who tells you differently hasn't lived.Dan and I have talked about this a lot lately. By deciding to start a family, we opened ourselves up to pain and hurt and sadness. We could have decided to wait longer or indefinitely. We could have planned more fun trips around the world, vacationing and buying 'stuff' but we both agreed that 'really living' includes children for us. Many children. And children, by default, bring happiness but also sadness and pain and challenges. They are an incredible blessing but they are also challenges. I don't think either one of us expected the pain so soon. We knew that it was in our future. Children rebel and argue and do stuff that we don't like. But they also bring so much joy and happiness and blessings into our lives.While I know that in some crazy sense, we were lucky to lose our little bean so early, it doesn't change how much I wanted and loved that baby. I can't imagine having gotten further along with my pregnancy and losing the baby or taking the baby to term and losing it then. No matter where you are in your pregnancy, it's heartbreaking to lose the baby.This article - link - has been really helpful for me. I have shared it with my friends who have experienced a loss recently. That first link is about the statistics. Here are a few that they share:

The term pregnancy loss can refer to either a miscarriage (a spontaneous pregnancy loss before the 20th week) or a stillbirth (the death of the baby in the second half of the pregnancy or during childbirth). According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), miscarriages occur in about 15 to 20 percent of all known pregnancies, with approximately 600,000 miscarriages occurring annually in the United States. These statistics only apply to known pregnancies, but many women miscarry so early in their pregnancy that they are not even aware of it.

The causes of miscarriage remain elusive. According to one study, the cause of a miscarriage is identified in only 19 percent of all cases. In another study, 47 percent of women who miscarried felt guilty, and 40 percent said they felt that they may have done something to cause the miscarriage. According to the latter study, 40 percent of women described feeling isolated by their loss—which may be amplified by hormonal changes—increasing feelings of sadness and anxiety.

Still, 65 percent of men and women believe that miscarriage is a rare event, estimating it occurs in only 6 percent of all pregnancies. One reason for the difference between the perceived and actual prevalence could be attributed to the “12-week rule.” Pregnancy books often encourage women to wait until they reach the 12-week mark in their pregnancy before telling family and friends the news. If a woman loses her baby during this time, she may choose not to tell her family and friends which could contribute to the perception that miscarriages happen infrequently. Still, 66 percent of the study participants believed that the emotional impact of miscarrying is severe.

The second part - link - is about how to interact with someone experiencing loss. Here are a few things that I can reiterate from my own experience:

HELPFUL THINGS TO SAY OR DO|According to Kelly Morrow, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who works with women who have suffered a pregnancy loss or are dealing with infertility issues, “one of the things most women want is acknowledgment that they lost their baby and have a reason to be grieving. Miscarriage is not just a medical event; it is a traumatic emotional loss and spiritual experience for most women.”

SAY, “I AM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.”Just acknowledge that we lost something that was VERY real for us.

UNHELPFUL THINGS TO SAY OR DOThe worst thing you can do for a friend who has miscarried is minimize the loss. While perhaps said with the intention of helping the mother move forward, commonly said phrases are, in fact, quite painful:

“You’re young; you can have another.”“It was meant to be,” or “It was God’s will.”“At least you have other children.”“At least you weren’t that far along.”

Phrases like these can add to the suffering, mistakenly giving the message, “your grief is overblown.”

There are more hints in the article, I am pulling out things that I see as vital/have experienced. Telling me the baby that my body lovingly carried for 8 weeks didn't have a soul so it wasn't a baby, doesn't help. Telling me that it was my first time trying so I have SOOOO much time to try, doesn't help. These phrases don't change that we lost a baby who I carried in my body and lovingly spoke to and about. It just makes me feel bad about myself and my deep grief. It makes me feel like less of a woman. And this is why I am speaking out. We aren't different because our bodies couldn't hold a child. We are still women and mothers and people who love.At this point in my grief, I can talk about it and share my experience but deep down, I miss being pregnant. The feeling of my body changing and that my life was on the precipice of changing forever. I pray that one day soon I can feel those feelings again.

Blink of an eye

Life can change in a blink of an eye. Everything is so delicate. We may not realize it because our world is hard and fast but it's not always. And in the most tragic times, we often close up on ourselves and stay quiet. We create a safe space and control that space. But as I think about this, I am reminded of an episode of the Dennis Prager show's "Male/Female Hour." He discusses the importance of having 'couple' friends that you can open up to. Often we lie or 'vaguebook' or pretend that the world is so perfect for us when in reality we are struggling just like everyone else. And why can't we share? Well we are afraid someone will exploit this knowledge of us or we won't be seen as perfect.Something recently happened to us that made me want to shake that stigma... hard. So here it goes...Daniel and I were expecting our first child. We were over the moon. The little bean was due 12/13/14 and if you know me, you know I love plays on words and numbers. What a cool due date. We were planning a garden or champagne or other cool reveal. But one day, 7 weeks and 6 days in, something changed. We saw blood and got scared. We called my doctor and then went to the ER. At the ER I got lots of blood drawn, a Rhogam shot (I am a negative blood type) and an ultrasound. On this ultrasound we saw a beautiful but tiny bean with a STRONG heartbeat (141). However, the doctor set expectations low. We could lose this child. There is no obvious reason for the bleeding. We spent the weekend in complete relaxation mode. As the doctor said "no pogo sticking, no sky diving, no roller coasters." We took the advice more practically and I rested the whole time. I began cramping on Saturday and we saw red blood (a sign of miscarriage). However, we never saw much so we held out hope. We had to wait until Monday for a doctor's appointment to do another blood draw and ultrasound.The wait was nearly unbearable. As the moments ticked closer to the 2pm appointment, I broke out in cold sweats and nausea. We went in and the doctor, after hearing our story, sounded very positive. But then we did an ultrasound. There was our bean, no longer with a beating heart. We had lost our first child at 8 weeks. I was prescribed medication to help the process along... I could not just 'wait' for it to happen naturally. Sadly, the medication did not work and I had to go in for a D&C on wednesday.Baby Haykin left us on 5/5/14. We found out that Baby Haykin was in the works on 4/4/14... you know how I love numbers.As I reflected on my situation, I was leaning hard on my new friends from the pregnancy website I had been frequenting. They were other moms with losses, etc. The anonymity gave us the freedom to speak. And I realized, I don't know one person (that has said anything to me) who has lost a child. Who would I call? Who, among my friends, has had a miscarriage? Who knows the pain I now know of growing a child, only to lose it before meeting them? No one. We don't discuss this in life. And that bothers me. Because just like Dennis Prager said, if we all fake a good life to each other, we are measuring by fake rulers. The reality is, I have lost a baby. An 8 week old baby but one that was deeply loved and wanted. Daniel and I have both grieved hard for this baby to be. So I decided to put myself out there and share out grief in the hopes that if you, my friend or reader or acquaintance, are facing this, you know that you have someone in your corner that gets it. That knows what it is like to stare at your toilet paper trying to decipher what color that is. A person who knows the fear when the cramps come.I am openly sharing this with the world so you know you are not alone. A miscarriage can happen to anyone at any time. A healthy person, a sick person. No matter who you are. But don't be scared. Be strong.Please G-d, we will bring so many baby Haykins into the world some day soon.

Ethical Jewish Food Movement

Just so happens, that I got a call the other day from a lovely Denver Post reporter about the Jewish ethical food movement. She was looking for a statement from the JCC about why this is important to add to her piece about Rabbi Soloway and his work in Boulder. We talked for... maybe 30-40 minutes. :) We talked about how the ancient Jews agricultural laws guide us today. How we know now that letting land rest between planting helps the output and Judaism guides us in these things. We spoke about how impossible it is to get out of season produce in Israel and you really understand how food grows when and how it matches up to our calendar. Apples are harvested at Rosh Hashanah. Olives are picked and pressed and the oil is ready at Chanukah time. We spoke about how deeply Judaism and food and agriculture are linked. 10DAVIS-articleLargeAnd we talked about how my husband and I grew our own horseradish this year for the first time to have a piece of our garden on the Seder table. That's the part she mentions here, in her article. P.S. Here is our NYTimes article where she found out about how we got engaged. :) I believe that Judaism is about mindfulness and that extends to our food. When we say brachot over our food before we eat it, it bring a mindfulness about what we are going to ingest. When we seek out Kosher food, it brings a mindfulness to our lives that we can't bypass. We can't 'shovel' food in our mouths. We have to think about what and when we eat. And now, Dan and I have added an aspect. When we grow the food we eat, we add a mindfulness to the whole process. Your tomatoes aren't in season yet. Please G-d, we can't have a hail storm today! Everything was nearly ready! So I am thankful that she gave me an opportunity to speak about a topic I am passionate about. Get ready for many more garden posts this summer. Cruciferous vegetables are in the ground along with beets, carrots, radishes, peas, beans, turnips, and rutabegas. Maybe if it stops snowing the rest of our seedlings will hit the dirt soon. We are wishing everyone a Chag Pesach Sameach, Happy Passover. If you are looking for a last minute dessert for your seder, check our Kosher food blog, Kosher, She Eats for my Great-Grandmother's (Nanny) Passover Sponge Cake Recipe.