Between April 2014 and September 2014, I had been pregnant three times. The first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage, the first at 7 weeks and the second at 12. At that point I was diagnosed with recurrent miscarriages and we were able to test the second baby. She was a little girl who had Turner’s Syndrome. On Mother’s Day in 2014, I came out to the world that I had a miscarriage by writing about it in my blog and on Facebook: the moment I went public, I became a resource of sorts for other women (and men) who have experienced the loss of a baby (both in utero or shortly after birth).
Read morePregnancy Loss and NIPT
It's possible that you don't know us (personally) or our story... unless the only people reading this are my parents and in that case, HI MOM!Our story is a common one, though, not commonly talked about. Usually when I say this part, people get really uncomfortable... We had two miscarriages prior to the birth of the nugget. If you are interested in our story, here are a few blogs that I wrote along the way:
During the third (and ultimately successful) pregnancy, one thing I knew we would be doing was NIPT - Non-Invasive Pregnancy Testing. This simple blood test most often removes the need for other, more dangerous testing, like Amniocentesis. At 10 weeks I had blood drawn and by my 12 week appointment we had our answers, no chromosomal abnormalities. After having at least one miscarriage due to chromosomal abnormalities, this was incredibly reassuring. Granted, I didn't stop worrying that the pregnancy might not end with a healthy baby but it really gave us some peace of mind.The company that made our test, Illumina, did a little video about our experience and how wonderful NIPT was for us.I think it came out beautifully and gave us some amazing footage of the nugget at five months old. I am sharing it here and I hope it can inspire and give some hope.I do want to say one thing, there are some negative emotions around NIPT. There has been controversy (and misconception) that it is used to terminate Down's Syndrome babies and some couples think it's just a fun way to find out your baby's sex super early. This was not my experience. We utilized this test as a way to ensure this baby (my third pregnancy) was healthy and though if it showed the same abnormality as our second child, a daughter, we couldn't/wouldn't have done anything differently, it would have given us an opportunity to prepare for that outcome. An even broader version of these tests benefit loss moms, especially when there is emotional trauma around pregnancy and loss. Each woman's pregnancy is unique and so our choices are unique as well. The loss of a child in any stage is devastating and I admire moms who have had to make intensely harder decisions than I.https://youtu.be/sZg0Yajgajk
The Value of Mom Friends
I didn't get the concept of 'mom friends' until we started trying to have a baby. I joined the "You are having a baby due in December 2014" group immediately. We all obsessed about the same stuff and it felt like a pretty safe space to talk about all the things I really wanted to talk about but my husband was uninterested in. And then we lost our first baby. And the moms who had been there before guided me through my grief. Then I joined the "You are having a baby due in March 2015" group and it was the same deal only here I found some very close friends. Women who I have actually met in person now and consider some of my closest friends. It was the same deal. They held me and walked me through the difficult moments when we lost our little girl. Several of the women in the smaller group born out of the larger group, had lost their March babies as well or babies previous to that one. Finally, I joined the "You are having a baby due in June 2015" group. Thank G-d it was the final 'birth month' group I had to join. These women, also, became very close friends. I thought that was what I needed. Until I found local mom friends.Here in Denver we have an amazing program for first time parents called JBU - Jewish Baby University - through the JCC. Again, you are tossed together with other couples expecting their first baby within a three month window but now you have a few more things in common. First off, you live in the same city and second, you are all (at varying levels) Jewish. This really adds an interesting dimension.
I am so thankful for my JBU mom friends. We literally guide each other through each step. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, recovery, rolling over, sleeping (or lack thereof), crawling, walking, first birthdays... but beyond the baby connected topics, these women have become some of my closest friends. We have girls' nights out, I've asked for fashion advice, these are couples that I see staying close with for a long time.While I value my variety of friends, in all stages in their lives, I really appreciate having other mommas who get what I am going through. Who called me up a few weeks after having Nugget and told me to get out of the house and meet them at Nordstrom's, just for lunch, who initiated a weekly mom's lunch during maternity leave...I think there is a real value in mommy friends and I'm super thankful for my mommy friends, both the online ones that I can chat with all day long and my local ones who I can rely on for an awesome night out!
3/3/15
Today was a hectic day. Meeting after meeting. Project after project. Email after email. I cranked all day. But there was something that was never far from my mind today.Today, our little girl, our second baby, was due. I felt such hope about that pregnancy. Surely after our first loss, G-d would help us keep this baby. All the signs were there. We found out we were pregnant on Dan's birthday. The baby was due on 3/3, one of the alternate dates we picked for our wedding. But also, if the baby was born on 3/3, we would share a hebrew birthday 13 Adar. We would both be Purim babies. And if this baby came two weeks late (just like I did) we would share an English birthday. My in-laws, my stepmother and I all share March birthdays. See?! So many signs.
But that little girl was not meant to come home with us. She was very ill, we found out after we lost her and it was (we learned from the doctor) better that she wasn't born. But she and her older sibling (due 12/13/14) are never far from my mind. I wear a little heart necklace all the time now. It reminds me of the two little hearts that aren't here with us. I know that they are in our hearts though and their little brother who, G-d willing, will join us in June will be a very special part of our family.A loss mom said to me once, "I was so sad about my miscarriage but after I had my son, I realized that without that loss, I wouldn't have the amazing boy I have today."So I was sad on 12/13/14 and 3/3/15 but I am so thank-full and joy-full that this little man is growing perfectly inside me. Baby Boy Haykin - we can't wait to meet you! (But stay safe in there as long as you need to!!)
It's been a while...
I have to stop feeling guilty for not writing. I get so busy with life and neglect my blogs and then I feel guilty for not writing and then the cycle continues. However, in recent days I have been sending people to my blog for a multitude of reasons and it has amplified my guilt...So here's an update. After our two heartbreaking miscarriages last year, I am pregnant again and this one is looking really good. Currently I am 23 weeks and 4 days pregnant with a little boy. He will be, G-d willing, making his appearance in June.The road to this place has been really bumpy. And I have had a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head. I have chastised myself for not blogging through a lot of these thoughts at 1am when I can't sleep... because I am often so busy during the day (and my 'baby brain' is so intense) that I always forget my thoughts and never get them down. It's usually the quiet moments when my son is bouncing around inside of me like I am a human bouncy castle and the insomnia is on full blast, that I think of these things. It's also when I remember all the work I've forgotten to do and the errands I forgotten to run.I'm proud of my body for getting us here. In three short days, we will hit our next milestone... viability. Meaning if our son was born, he would have a chance of surviving. He's kicking me as I type this... haha, maybe he's mad at me for not being able to see 40 (or 42) weeks as the end point. I'm just too jaded to get that comfortable with assuming it will completely work out well.This pregnancy, we only went week to week. In the first trimester, we got weekly ultrasounds and our lives built up until that moment when we saw his heartbeat. Then we nonchalantly talked about dinner and a grocery store run and forgot about it all until the next week. After we got out of the first trimester, I kept putting off telling people. I was just so afraid to lose the baby again. At 10 weeks, we had a free cell DNA test. They take my blood, separate the baby's DNA from mine and tell us if anything is or could be wrong with him. That's also when we found out our boy was going to be a boy. By 12 weeks, we had the results back... he was perfectly healthy as far as they could see and he was a he. It was then when we decided we could celebrate, just the two (three) of us. Finally, around 14 weeks we told friends and family with a note in our holiday cards and then a facebook post.
I had so many creative ideas during the first two pregnancies... and I was going to take week by week bump pictures... for this pregnancy, I couldn't even think that far in advance. I was barely making it to our Friday appointments. But as it became public and I became very obviously pregnant and there weren't any more tests the doctor could run to make sure he would be ok... we started to believe this is our reality. I'm still not quite at the "My son will be here in June" place yet... but my big ole' belly and his incessant kicks before bedtime make sure I can't ignore the life inside me.So Thursday is 24 weeks... the next milestone. Then we will get into the third trimester around the middle of the 27th week. Then I am traveling to Florida for work (with Dan in tow to carry the bags, or me, or my barf bag... flying and I don't agree when pregnant... but it's not stopped me), then Passover, then my little cousins' bar/bat mitzvah (twins), then time to plant the garden, then a long distance Mazal Tov to my cousin getting married in Rhode Island because I can't travel at 37+(!!!!!!) weeks, then my brother's 30th (!!!!) birthday, then either my son will be here or we will be celebrating his father's birthday and then he will be here!When you put it all into one paragraph... it doesn't seem that far from now... But then I look back at the YEAR I have spent pregnant (yes, off and on) and I thank G-d it's not that far from now.Last March, when I was starry eyed about starting this family, I would never have guessed that I would be here. Twelve whole months later, pregnant THREE times, and six months pregnant. It's beyond belief.Here's us - me at 21 weeks, Dan at... well... handsome.
What's In A Name?
This piece originally appeared at ModernLoss.com under the title "Call Me A Mother." Understandably, it was edited and trimmed down. Here are my musings on my losses and what the hell to call me, in full ramble.
“What’s on your mind?” asked Facebook.The empty box sat there. Staring at me. Prompting me to say something. Do you say something? What do you say? Who are you now?Mother’s Day, 2014. Not seven days earlier my husband and I lost our first baby. Perhaps we should zoom further back.My husband and I got married on 3/10/13 (I have a thing for numbers). The moment we got married, the questions started. When are you going to get pregnant? Are you pregnant?We decided that after a short 11 months of knowing each other before we got married that we would take a year of “just us” time before we started trying for a family. I would tell everyone who asked me “my husband demanded a year of marital bliss first” and that seemed to work. But after our first anniversary, the voices got louder.On 4/4/14 (see, numbers) I found out that we were expecting our first child. Welp, that was easy, I thought. Until a month later when I started bleeding and cramping... On 5/5, the loss of our baby was confirmed at almost 8 weeks. On 5/7 I had a D&C (dilation and curettage) surgery to complete the process. On 5/11, Mother’s Day, I felt bombarded.Beautiful babies and proud mommies filled my newsfeed. “Thanks to my baby girl for making me a mom!” “Happy Mother’s Day to the amazing moms I know!”The whole week prior I just wanted to crawl under a rock. I stared listlessly at the tv screen and computer, unable to rally myself to any action. But something about Mother’s Day made me want to speak out. So, for the first time, I told the world (aka my Facebook friend feed) that I was a mom. For only 8 weeks, I carried a baby in my belly but I still felt like a mom.Fast forward through the doctors’ visits and the “actually it happens to one in four women” conversations, my husband and I were lucky to get pregnant again. We found out the day after my husband’s birthday, 6/25. But by 8/15, we found out that we had lost our baby again, this time at nearly 12 weeks.By now I feel like a mother, though I’ve never held my babies in my arms. But what would society call me? They don’t seem to see me as a mother because they’ve never seen me push a stroller down the street. Someone close to me, who also lost a baby, said to me one day, “you know, they have a word for when you lose your parents and they have a word for when you lose your spouse but what do you call a parent who has lost a child?” She had brilliantly encapsulated exactly how I felt that Mother’s Day, staring at the Facebook prompt “what’s on your mind?”WHAT AM I?And it seems I’m not alone. There are numerous articles and questions floating around the internet about this. One in particular struck me. A woman, who lost her 19-year-old son, titled her blog “Always A Mom Of Four.” I know that even though my sweet babies were lost before I met them, I am now a mom to two and my future (G-d willing) children, will know of their siblings lost. Why? Because that is life and it’s our reality.But again, what do you call me? Some circles have started using the Sanskrit word “Vilomah.” It literally means, "against a natural order" and not entirely out of the blue to use since the origin of the word widow is also Sanskrit. Some use the Greek, “Tethligons,” which means, “bereaved parent.” In Hebrew we have, "sh'khol" (שכול) and perhaps that is the word I am searching for. There doesn’t seem to be an English equivalent. It is often translated to “bereavement” but that is not accurate. It is an adjective used in relation to the loss of a young family member, thus for a child. So that would make me שכולה אם - em shakula – a mother who lost her child(ren).But really, I just want you to call me a mother and respect the journey I’ve been through. Not to trivialize my loss since they weren’t born or to tell me I’ll have that same kid another time. Not to tell me my feelings aren’t real since I never met the babies. To respect my unfortunate expertise here.Oh and please don’t call on 12/13 or 3/3. Those will always be important dates for me (their due dates) but, this year at least, I will probably be staying under the covers with my puppy and husband, avoiding all Facebook prompts.
Thanking G-d
There are just moments when thanking G-d comes so easily. You don't even think about it. Before you eat, after you eat, on shabbat, Rosh Hashanah... we all just say the prayers and don't think about it.And then there are the moments when you choke over the praise. When tears fill your eyes and the words trip over your tongue. How can I praise you right now? How can I thank you for your wondrous blessings when I am hurting?We lost our second pregnancy on Friday (8/15/14). Well, we found out that we lost our second baby on Friday. Our baby was gone for a little while before that and my body didn't know. We came home and grieved. We cried and screamed at G-d. We held each other tight and whispered promises of love and the future. Our dog Soba whimpered and licked our feet. And we prepared for Shabbat dinner.My brother was flying in from NYC that night and Dan went to the airport, grocery store, and liquor store on his way home. He brought me chicken and gin and my beloved Ronin. We drank (that's the only bonus of this situation... you can drink through the pain) and joked and cried and laughed. And then I lit the Shabbat candles. The candles that I had been thinking about adding a new one to... our tradition is to add a candle to the ones you light on Friday night for each child. While I was single I lit one and when I got married I lit two... I dreamed of buying a fancy candle set if we were having a girl so I could pass that set on to her when she got married.But I lit my two candles. And when you light your candles, you say a prayer and then you get to have a private moment with G-d. I have a list of people I pray for in that moment. But I choked. All I could ask is why G-d? Why this baby? Why us?Then we got ready for the kiddush. We sang it out loud, the long version... and I choked.
Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, who has hallowed us with His commandments, has desired us, and has given us, in love and goodwill, His holy Shabbat as a heritage, in remembrance of the work of Creation; the first of the holy festivals, commemorating the Exodus from Egypt. For You have chosen us and sanctified us from among all the nations, and with love and goodwill given us Your holy Shabbat as a heritage. Blessed are You Lord, who hallows the Shabbat.
How do I bless you when I am hurting so bad? How do I thank you for giving me this heritage but taking my babies?I cried as we said these prayers. But I said them. I still praised G-d in the face of the hurt. Why? Because I know that G-d loves me and these challenges make me a better person. They SUCK but I know with each challenge we get stronger as people and as a couple.I thank G-d for bringing Dan and me together. I thank G-d for bringing Soba into our lives. I thank G-d for our health and happiness. Now I just ask G-d to give us some answers as to why we have been diagnosed with recurrent pregnancy loss and to please give us our take home baby.
Blink of an eye
Life can change in a blink of an eye. Everything is so delicate. We may not realize it because our world is hard and fast but it's not always. And in the most tragic times, we often close up on ourselves and stay quiet. We create a safe space and control that space. But as I think about this, I am reminded of an episode of the Dennis Prager show's "Male/Female Hour." He discusses the importance of having 'couple' friends that you can open up to. Often we lie or 'vaguebook' or pretend that the world is so perfect for us when in reality we are struggling just like everyone else. And why can't we share? Well we are afraid someone will exploit this knowledge of us or we won't be seen as perfect.Something recently happened to us that made me want to shake that stigma... hard. So here it goes...Daniel and I were expecting our first child. We were over the moon. The little bean was due 12/13/14 and if you know me, you know I love plays on words and numbers. What a cool due date. We were planning a garden or champagne or other cool reveal. But one day, 7 weeks and 6 days in, something changed. We saw blood and got scared. We called my doctor and then went to the ER. At the ER I got lots of blood drawn, a Rhogam shot (I am a negative blood type) and an ultrasound. On this ultrasound we saw a beautiful but tiny bean with a STRONG heartbeat (141). However, the doctor set expectations low. We could lose this child. There is no obvious reason for the bleeding. We spent the weekend in complete relaxation mode. As the doctor said "no pogo sticking, no sky diving, no roller coasters." We took the advice more practically and I rested the whole time. I began cramping on Saturday and we saw red blood (a sign of miscarriage). However, we never saw much so we held out hope. We had to wait until Monday for a doctor's appointment to do another blood draw and ultrasound.The wait was nearly unbearable. As the moments ticked closer to the 2pm appointment, I broke out in cold sweats and nausea. We went in and the doctor, after hearing our story, sounded very positive. But then we did an ultrasound. There was our bean, no longer with a beating heart. We had lost our first child at 8 weeks. I was prescribed medication to help the process along... I could not just 'wait' for it to happen naturally. Sadly, the medication did not work and I had to go in for a D&C on wednesday.Baby Haykin left us on 5/5/14. We found out that Baby Haykin was in the works on 4/4/14... you know how I love numbers.As I reflected on my situation, I was leaning hard on my new friends from the pregnancy website I had been frequenting. They were other moms with losses, etc. The anonymity gave us the freedom to speak. And I realized, I don't know one person (that has said anything to me) who has lost a child. Who would I call? Who, among my friends, has had a miscarriage? Who knows the pain I now know of growing a child, only to lose it before meeting them? No one. We don't discuss this in life. And that bothers me. Because just like Dennis Prager said, if we all fake a good life to each other, we are measuring by fake rulers. The reality is, I have lost a baby. An 8 week old baby but one that was deeply loved and wanted. Daniel and I have both grieved hard for this baby to be. So I decided to put myself out there and share out grief in the hopes that if you, my friend or reader or acquaintance, are facing this, you know that you have someone in your corner that gets it. That knows what it is like to stare at your toilet paper trying to decipher what color that is. A person who knows the fear when the cramps come.I am openly sharing this with the world so you know you are not alone. A miscarriage can happen to anyone at any time. A healthy person, a sick person. No matter who you are. But don't be scared. Be strong.Please G-d, we will bring so many baby Haykins into the world some day soon.
A Special Poem on Mother's Day
I am not yet struggling with Infertility (IF) because we only had one miscarriage. But here is a poem that was shared in one of my groups for those who find this day challenging.For the 1 in 8:Happy mother's dayit comes around every yearbut when you have empty armsit's sometimes hard to hearIt's a day to celebrate a motherfor all the trails she's overcameand a reminder to an infertileof her loneliness and shamebut what really makes a motheris it just conception and birth?or is there something morethat shows a mother's worth?It's putting your child firstin everything you doIt's sacrifice and determinationand love and patience tooAn infertile woman makes all her plansaround a child not yet conceivedshe loves even though they aren't heremore than she ever could have believedShe appreciates and understandswhat a blessing children areshe works hard for just a chancethat motherhood is not that farThe odds are stacked against herand yet she still has hopeeveryday is another strugglefinding ways to help her copeSo even though her arms are emptyshe can still be a mother tooso say a special happy mother's dayfor those waiting for that dream to come true.