Guilt and remorse come from a place of ego.You have to have rachmanus (empathy) for your neshama (soul). Listen to the soul, hear the mud that is has been dragged through in the past year, feel empathy for the soul, and let it go.Forgive yourself and don't let your ego get in the way. Don't weep for your missteps, move on.
Traveling Talia for Tishrei
Okay, I couldn’t resist the alliteration but I have already traveled and it is not yet Tishrei. We are still in the holy, soul checking month of Elul. However, I have traveled.I left my safe and lovely home in Denver Colorado (as well as my delightful and fun colleagues at Patheos) to travel all by my lonesome to Eretz Yisrael, the land of Israel. The travel part was long. It involved a rented minivan and drive from Denver to NYC as my younger brother was starting grad school in the city. Then seven days of hanging with him before embarking on the 12 hour plane right to Israel.Sitting at the gate at JFK, I felt minuscule. There were so many people and so much flying by me. Russian, Hebrew, Yiddish, English, German, and many other languages I couldn’t name. Families and elderly, babies and students. So many people all off on an adventure of their own.Whenever alone in an airport (which is fairly often for me), I always look for single women to chat with. It is nice to have a person to watch your bags for a quick bathroom or water run. This time I met a woman named Neta. She was almost seven months pregnant. We started chatting and I learned her story as she learned mine. She was traveling the USA with her husband (who was on an earlier flight back to Tel Aviv, unfortunately). They were hiking in the Grand Canyon, New Mexico, all over California, they rented a car and traveled for two months around the United States. When they left Israel, she was barely showing and about at the end of her fourth month of pregnancy. Returning, she had a nice belly and was nearly seven months along. We talked about the surprise her family will have when they see her next. We were line buddies for boarding, which is exponentially harder when you are flying to Israel.There is a second security check before you get on the plane. Another take your shoes off and laptops out situation and in fact, you cannot take drinks on the plane unless you have the receipt for buying them in the airport! Once through and settled on the plane, Neta and I were parted.I settled in for the long flight. It was an evening flight where we got dinner right away and then the best plan is to sleep for as long as you can. Still you hear strains of a multitude of languages floating along the cabin. By ‘morning’ or wake-up time, we have crossed 7 time zones… it is 1:30pm in Israel. We have ‘breakfast/lunch’ and touchdown in Eretz Yisrael.That is an amazing feeling! Wow! Everyone applauds and you look out the window to see the desert stretching far and wide before you. Palm trees dot the distance and new construction is everywhere. Ben Gurion airport is technically Tel Aviv but you aren’t near the sea. I didn’t feel holy but I was glad to be out of my seat prison.
Once arrived you have the whole new country/passport/customs deal. Get stamped, get luggage and find your way. This trip was so different from my last. Previously, I was a kid, 12/16/17 years old… buses came for us. This time, I had to find my own way on a supershuttle like taxi to Jerusalem… Now that… that was scary!Stay tuned for part two…
Introducing Totoro
Hi. My name is Totoro. I am a Japanese character well known from movies like My Neighbor Totoro.What most people don't realize is that I am actually Jewish (my mother's maiden name as Kohen and I was named after my Zaide, Tuviya). I am headed on an adventure to Israel. Join me for the fun!
That's me, I'm hanging out in my Colorado apartment surveying the insane amount of packing left to do! But rather than pack, I really feel like checking out some wikipedia details on Israel.
Two great reads for marketers
I haven't read my beloved AdAge in a while. Too busy packing and moving to Israel and taking Jewish Studies classes and blogging but I caught a couple today and thought I would share.This one is about the lessons from a hacked email account. He lays out great and simple rules for marketers. What Marketers Can Learn From the Responses to a Hacked Email AccountAnd if any of you use social media out there (I mean, duh!) than you know exactly what this article is about. RIP, the Press Release (1906-2010) -- and Long Live the Tweet
Taking personal responsiblity
Breslov Men Don 'Veils' En Route to Reb Nachman's GraveThis is what I was talking about way back when (here) about men taking responsibility for themselves.So you have a standard of modesty. Good. That is a good thing. But you can't force everyone else to live up to it. G-d gave us free choice and that free choice extends to our levels of modesty.I understand that people are up in arms because they think it is a Muslim idea to wear a veil but they are wrong. Don't Jewish women wear tichels (scarves) to cover their hair? The biggest difference in the two is how we tie them. Muslim women are required to cover more areas than Jewish women. I don't understand the uproar on this. Rather they want these men to run around shouting and pushing and hitting women who aren't dressed to their level of tznius (modesty) or breaking televisions? How does that promote klal Yisroel (the unity of the people of Israel)?I commend these men. Kol hakavod, good job for taking your priorities and morals into your own hands without hurting other people or marginalizing them.I mean, I wouldn't want to wear a scarf around my face but I am not a Breslover man...
Dear G-d. Please let these suitcases be under 50 pounds.
Look. I honestly admit that I over pack. I couldn't lie about that. One trip with me and you would see right though my ruse. But in the past few years I have tried to be more strategic, packing reusable outfits, less shoes, and when I visit my 'sisters' in NYC, packing little and letting them dress me.But seriously, I am going to Israel for FIVE MONTHS! This is no ordinary, stay in a hotel, relax by the pool vacation! There are needs here! Toiletries, bedding, towels, okay I know I can buy them all in Israel but why spend the money if I have some I can just leave there! And clothes... okay, I need casual clothes for school, dressy clothes for shabbat and chaggim (holidays). I need summer clothes for when I get there and winter/chilly/rainy clothes for a few months in.Basically, the schizophrenia overwhelmed me and there I was with about 6 suitcases worth of clothes, shoes, and accoutrement that had to fit into two bags, under 50 pounds. After much hemming and hawing, we made it! I officially have two checked big suitcases hovering at 50 pounds, one smaller rolling carry on bag, and a backpack carry on... and a pillow. What if they stop me and tell me I can't have the extra carry on. I mean you are allowed one carry on, one personal item. Does my pillow push me over!? What if any suitcase is too big or too heavy?! Everything is carefully packed to the breaking point!At some point it is just out of my hands and into G-d's... and Delta's. My dear brother came with me to JFK... maybe because he wanted to say goodbye but more likely to see if they would actually take the bags."Miss, please come forward." "Yes, uhm, here is my passport and ticket." "Great, put the bag on the scale." (Now running through my head... all excuse to use and tears lined up if it is over the weight...) "Great, next bag." "Wait WHAT!?"I look at the scale. Big Green Bag (heretofore known as BGB) = 50 lbs. ON. THE. DOT.Big Purple Bag (BPB) goes up = 47 lbs.What flashes in my mind? I could have totally packed 3 more pounds of stuff in there! HA! Never overlook an opportunity but the bags slip away into the bowels of JFK to be regurgitated into my plane.My dear brother spends about an hour sitting with me in the cramped and very uncool lobby of the Delta terminal of JFK before we decide to part ways.I, of course, turn into a watering pot while he stays calm, cool, and collected. He waits while I wait in line to security. As I put my things on the conveyor, I look up... he's gone. He was my last thread connecting my physically to my family, friends, and life in the United States. And with that, voila, it's cut. I start my swim out to sea.Next... Traveling Talia for Tishrei, Pt. 1
Living in NYC is nothing like living in Colorado
Okay, I mean yes, that is somewhat of a 'DUH' statement but it really hit us once we were settled into Ronin's new apartment.1. NO AIR-CONDITIONING!! WHAT?! Seriously, like the hottest summer on record and no relief. I would sit on an air-conditioned subway car all day rather than sit in the sticky, hot apartment.2. Teeny, tiny spaces! Bathroom = small. Bedrooms = small. Living room = small. Kitchen = small. Elevator = small. I have to say, though, that I am way impressed with New Yorkers. They really know how to make their space work for them!3. "Hey I have an idea, let's just stick a shower head in the middle of the wall and call it a shower." Yes, it spews water... but really, can we call that a proper shower? Whew! You seriously had to choose a side to shower on because the water stream was perpendicular to the tub... not parallel with it...4. Hey Denver ladies, I know you love your high heels but unless you are a Real Housewife of NYC, you just can't wear heels in NYC... no matter how hard you try. Okay so some women might have callused feet of steel but for the most part you have to walk 5 blocks to get the train, down a ton of stairs, stand in the train for 20 minutes, up the stairs, walk 10 blocks to get to where you are going... no real exceptions. Thankfully, NYers have style and have found super cute, fashionable flats. :)And I could go on but basically, my bro and I had a blast hanging out for a week together and getting to know his neighborhood and neighborhood Pinkberry. It was a really amazing time together and I am so glad I got that special bonding time with Ronin before I left for my long adventure in Israel. As a big sister, I felt good knowing that he was safe in his apartment, knew where everything was, knows how to get places, and will really enjoy his time in the City... continuing to make me jealous that he has a NY, NY 100.. address before me. :)Next up - Dear G-d. Please let these suitcases be under 50 pounds.
Which bridge is this and why did I just pay a toll?
Knowing that our decision/ need to be in Manhattan by 10am would leave us driving through major traffic, we left early from New Jersey. I think we were both apprehensive about the next leg, the moving into the apartment phase. Before this was just a fun road trip, now reality is setting in.Shira gave us directions and they were very helpful... until we hit the George Washington Bridge. That is when the trouble started. We went to the cash lane only to find out that they weren't taking cash. They told us to call the toll people... but before we could figure this out, the honking started. So we headed over the bridge. We were excited and nervous and then we realized we couldn't find the right turn... and then perhaps we passed it, and then we realized we were in the Bronx and then somehow we got on the RFK bridge. (For those playing the home game, GWB was $8, RFK was $5.50.) Crap. Okay so we are over the RFK and realize we are in Queens heading towards Laguardia. We turn around, go on the RFK again (+$5.50). Then we think we have this in the bag... until Ronin said one thing, I hear another and we end up on the on ramp to the RFK AGAIN! So we have no choice, (+$5.50) and we take the bridge. But instead of going all the way to Queens, I get off at the little island and turn around. Back over the bridge (no toll that time, odd) and we finally get out of our crazy loop! Heading through Harlem, we find the check in office and Ronin runs in to get his packet and keys. Meanwhile, it is after 10 and the movers are waiting for us.Once he was squared away with the check in, we drove one street over to his place on W 118th St. I park in front of fire hydrant (so NYC, I know) and the guys help us get his stuff into the apartment. Oh, I suppose I am skipping an important part... the leak. So Ronin can't get into his apartment. The door is stuck. He gets is Super to help him and as his Super walks in, he gets a drip on the head. The ceiling is leaking. Turns out, when they were putting a new bathroom in upstairs, they nicked a pipe and all summer the pipe had been leaking. By the time we finished getting everything upstairs, part of the bathroom ceiling was on the floor and they were beginning major repairs. Wonderful. Except, it is a Friday... so they wouldn't finish until Monday.Since we had the minivan until 4, we decided to take it to the new Target in East Harlem so we can move any big items we buy. It is a very interesting experience, this urban Target. Very different than what Ronin and I were used to in Colorado. However, we were very glad to have the car. We got him a desk and chair as well as a bookshelf and some other items that were much easier transported in a car than on the bus. Again, we unloaded the car and went to return it. Ronin decided to drive this time. What an adventure. We are driving down Amsterdam and Broadway to 12th st. (aka very far from 118th st). There was so much traffic but eventually we made it... though we weren't sure how you could have a car rental place in the middle of the city (they use some spots in an underground garage). Once that mission was complete, it felt like one weight had been lifted off our shoulders... only to be replaced with others.We walked up the block looking for lunch (it was after 2...) and found a great organic place where we indulged in fresh beet salad and delish empanadas along with fresh juice. Revived, we set off to catch a 1 train back to Ronin's brand new apartment.Next installment - Living in NYC is nothing like living in Colorado.(Hope to have it out soon but forgive me if it is delayed. Rosh Hashanah is this week and it melds into Shabbis so I will we down and out for 3 days.)
What did I learn tonight? Some Tanya for you
Tonight I learned in my chevrusa (study group) a section of Tanya.So it says that if you break a positive mitzvah (commandment) then you must ask for forgiveness and you will be instantly forgiven.If you break a negative mitzvah (commandment) then you must ask for forgiveness and it is tentative. You must go through Yom Kippur and then it will all be forgiven.But then it says that the positive is HIGHER than the negative? Why? The forgiveness process is harder for the negative, wouldn't that be higher?I won't go into the whole thing but suffice to say. When you do a positive mitzvah, you get a little bit of divine light within you. If you don't do that mitzvah you can ask for forgiveness and be forgiven but you can never get that divine moment back. When you break the negative mitzvot, you cause a blemish on your soul. You can ask for forgiveness and be forgiven but you have to wait until Yom Kippur for your soul to be wiped clean again. Therefore, you can never get back the benefit of the positive but you can wash away the stain of the negative.___To all my friends and family -I ask for your forgiveness if I have sinned against you in this past year. Please forgive my missteps as I forgive you for yours.
The Sibling Drive(ry)
Before I get started, my mother has requested that I put in writing and in public that I asked her to force me to cull my belongings when I get home and get rid of a lot because I certainly do not want to move it all again!Now, we left off with the packing of the car and sleeping. Tuesday (Aug 17) morning we woke up, ate, got ready, did last minute things... it was sort of emotion on hold... trying not to get emotional because we weren't leaving quite yet but sometimes the tears just spilled over. Both my brother and I had a difficult time with our tummies... nervous stomachs, you know. After breakfast and some ginger tea we made our goodbyes (I won't say final because we will all be together again soon, imertzah Hashem - G-d willing). It was a bit of a flashback for me. I remember being at the wheel of my car, loaded up so high I couldn't see out the back, leaving in the morning for Los Angeles. My family all in their pjs waiving at my from the driveway... same deal here only I wasn't alone. My dear brother was with me. I offered to start the drive (Kansas is a good way to get my mind of the emotion... or so I thought). Hugs were given, last minute bits and bobs shoved through the windows and my collective family "pushed" the minivan down the driveway and off we went.I, being who I am, started chattering away uncontrollably. That is one way I deal with the stress and emotion. My bro was rather silent (his technique). And we were off.We got ourselves into the middle of nowhere Colorado and had to make a pit stop (one of many to come). It was at that point that I realized we were really on this adventure and would not likely see this stretch of road for a long time. But more than anything, I was looking forward to making it through Kansas and into Missouri where we would spend the night. That first day was a very long one of driving. 12 + hours!I didn't know what to expect when my brother and I were locked into a fully jam packed minivan for four days. As children we had been known to bicker and fight but as we grew older we have grown closer. That doesn't mean that we don't still bicker on occasion. We helped each other navigate and kept each other awake. We also let the other sleep when needed. We got drinks and food for the other and changed the CD when necessary. In fact, we had a great time with the audiobooks! We listened to the whole of a really wonderful book called Shibumi by Trevanian. I cannot recommend this book enough! There are some slow parts but over all, it is facinating!Anyway, we finally arrived in our hotel in Columbia, Missouri (we thought that was pretty funny as Ronin was on his way to NYC to start Columbia University) only to find out that Hotels.com screwed up our reservation. This seemed to be a theme of the trip and I will strongly tell anyone who asks and even those who don't, DON'T USE HOTELS.COM! They did not get one single thing right on our trip.
Regardless, our hotel was very nice, if smokey, and we passed out. The next day we were off to Cincinnati to visit some landmarks from our father's side.First we saw our great-grandparent's place of internment. They both were very humble people and chose to be cremated and kept at this location. Here is the only real remnant of these two amazing people.Then, by total accident we ended up on Riddle Lane. That name jogged my memory. Where had I heard that before? Ah, of course, my father spoke of it with such fondness. It was where my great-grandparents had a home. We called our dad and found the address. It was easy to find and we snapped a few shots of the iconic porch... well iconic to our father. He has an image of his grandmother holding him as a baby there, as well, it was where they told her that I was on my way!How does it compare?
It is amazing to think that they lived there 60 years ago! It was quite a nice experience.From there it was a short hop to the Hebrew Union College, American Jewish Archives to see our great-grandfather's papers. What a trip!We were brought into this amazing reading room and a cart was wheeled out with boxes of papers that were saved by or for my great-grandpa. Incredible! There were handwritten bills from when he was living in a boarding house in Germany! It had charges for eggs and bread on them! There were also letters that will help us track some family lost in the Holocaust from his side. Ronin and I had an amazing time searching through the papers!
We had such a delightful time. It was so sad when they had to close. From there, our next stop was Dayton. Ronin had a friend to visit and I had a date with a beer and a bed. Both of us had a lovely time!Thursday we stopped once again in Ohio to check out one more spot and then made the long trek to New Jersey. Whew! That was another long stretch. Another 12 + hour day but Pennsylvania was just beautiful. I would love to spend more time there. My only issue was that the highway was a toll way! How annoying! We arrived at the Weber's house safe, sound, and sleepy. After some lovely catching up (we hadn't seen them since Ronin was a baby), we headed to bed for a short sleep.Friday was NYC day... and boy did we need our rest!Tomorrow's edition - Which bridge is this and why did I just pay a toll?