It is the most amazing time of your life. It really is. You are planning the day when you marry your soul mate, your Beshert.When you get engaged, it's all so exciting and happy... then you start planning. I have been told, by recently married friends, that the bickering and fights that happen during this time are the worst... oh boy!I am fortunate that my dear fiance isn't picky and has only reserved veto power in this process but it doesn't mean that we haven't had our challenges. From the band or DJ conversation to which photographer to the hours spent looking at wedding rings for both of us, everything takes time and thought. However, the hardest part of wedding planning (at least so far)... and frankly some of the hardest conversations and decisions I have ever had to make have centered around our guest list.How do you encapsulate two peoples' lives into a guest list? Not only this but we have both led rich and full lives. When my parents got married, you invited the entire extended family and some friends. But that just doesn't fly here. Our families do not live within blocks of each other. I have people in my family tree that I haven't seen or spoken to since my Bat Mitzvah. How can I not invite my best friends from college but invite these people? Dan and I each made our lists. His with the heavy input from his parents (they had a cheat sheet, his sister got married a couple of years ago) and mine was mainly done by me. I took some input from my parents, adding in some of their 1st cousins and representatives from each branch or sibling (oy! Our family tree can be so complicated!) but it was important to me that my dear and closest friends from different stages of my life be included. There were negotiations... "You can add them, but you have to take someone else off" and debates, "Are we inviting kids? Can we afford that? Family kids only?" And I know we have insulted and upset people with some of the decisions we made. But I have to say this...No decision was without debate and long thought. No decision was made ignorant of the repercussions to us... the couple getting married. And frankly it sucks to be the bride and be worried about hurting people's feelings... not like it's MY wedding or anything.In the end, we did the best we could. We don't have an endless budget, we don't have a million dollars to feed every person we ever met or were friendly with and their spouse and kids. We had to make decisions.And we hope that people don't take it as a personal affront. I don't know any couple that could invite every person they wanted to, to their wedding. We still like and enjoy the company of the people we didn't invite. But I cannot think of any harder thing than paring down a wedding guest list.Anyone have any good stories? Horror stories about this?
A Shabbat of Peace For All
I am taking a moment out of my day to stop reading about the impeding war in Israel... to stop looking at pictures of dead and injured children on both sides... to stop drafting messages from my CEO to our community on what is going on in Israel...Why? (Other than the obvious answer of, that is all insanely depressing) To say to all of you...
SHABBAT SHALOM
Let this be a sabbath of peace. For the Israelis. For the Gazans and Palestinians. For my friends and family who are in target zones. For the bitter armchair internet warriors who call people on the other side horrible names and accuse them of horrible acts. For each and every one of us.
Absolutely Disgusting
I can't find any other words for it.The new viral movie 180movie.com (I refuse to link to it. Watch it if you want. It's disgusting.) equates the cold blooded murder of more than 11 million men, women, and children with abortion. The indoctrination of an entire people (the Germans) to view grow adults as subhuman as the same as a personal choice to end a pregnancy.So I guess I have to espouse my own beliefs at this point. I am pro-choice but also a lover of life. Abortion needs to be legal and available in our society however, the widespread nature of abortion as a solution is not appropriate. It is important that this life altering procedure is undertaken with eyes wide open and not used as emergency birth control.But it is a completely different story than 6 million Jews who were starved and beaten and shot in cold blood. To show the corpses of my family, my people and the ignorance of today's youth (who couldn't identify who Hitler - yimach shemo: May his name be obliterated - is) and abortion in the same breath is disgusting and ignorant. I will NEVER stand for EXPLOITING the images of dead and dying Jews for other uses. It was a horrible time in history.I will leave the Anti-Defamation League to finish this. And I am turning off the comments. This is not a pro-choice vs pro-life forum. This is about 6 million murdered Jews.
"The film is a perverse attempt to make a case against abortion in America through the cynical abuse of the memory of those killed in the Holocaust," said Abraham H. Foxman, ADL National Director and a Holocaust survivor. "Not only does the film try to assert a moral equivalency between the Holocaust and abortion, but it also brings Jews and Jewish history into the discussion and then calls on its viewers to repent and accept Jesus as their savior. It is, quite frankly, one of the most offensive and outrageous abuses of the memory of the Holocaust we have seen in years."
A Whirlwind Tishrei
Last Tishrei I wrote about my adventures, traveling and getting settled in Israel. It was an incredible time for me. I was embarking on an extraordinary journey into myself and my Judaism.This Tishrei has been markedly different. I am back in the states, working hard for the Jewish community and have a lot going on. But I forced myself to stop and reflect this year as Rosh Hashanah approached and then Yom Kippur. We moved into Sukkot feeling fresh and ready to handle the new year... and then I was truly caught by surprise. I saw grumblings on Twitter that Gilad Shalit, the boy who was kidnapped in a cross border raid by Hamas FIVE YEARS AGO, was going home.Insert Jaw Drop Here.
I just couldn't believe it. I walked past the tent where his parents sat, outside the Prime Minister's house in Jerusalem, so many times.We tied yellow ribbons on our backpacks. We wore Free Gilad t-shirts. We tweeted the days, hours, minutes he had been held as a kidnapped prisoner. We begged Hamas to allow the Red Cross to see him, as it states in international law that any enemy combatant is allowed visits from the Red Cross... it is required for prisoners of war... but no. Only two videos from him in five years. He was allowed to write two letters home in that time. We came to this point many times... will Gilad be released this time?! Is he even still alive? I doubted it. It was just more human capital for Hamas to spend.
Then it was announced Israel would be releasing 1,027 Palestinians to retrieve one man. Now these aren't petty thieves. They are murders. Murders that have been tried for their parts in bombing of CIVILIAN locations in Israel. Who were found with bombs strapped to their bodies, off to kill civilians in Israel and (Thank G-d) their bombs malfunctioned. Of the 1,027, 300 prisoners serving life sentences for involvement in deadly attacks on Israelis such as suicide bombings in buses and bars. These were people who were tried and convicted. And yet, they were treated better than Gilad. They were given three meals a day that were nutritionally significant. They were allowed exercise and to interact with other people. Many of them left the prison with higher degrees, earned in jail.
What about Gilad? We treated the prisoners with due process and rights. How was our son treated? He was severely malnourished, sun deprived, and kept in solitary confinement for FIVE YEARS. They came home tanned and healthy, as if they had been on a holiday. Gilad fainted on the helicopter and walked with assistance.They try to murder us every day. In fact, one woman who was released told a group of children... CHILDREN!!! "I hope you will walk the same path we took and God willing, we will see some of you as martyrs." Meaning, I hope you blow yourselves up and DIE so you can kill Jews and Israelis.And yet we would give all these people up to have one boy back. I feel like that speaks to character on both sides very clearly. One side celebrates children blowing themselves up along with innocent civilians and the other values one life so highly, that they put the country in danger by releasing 1,000 murders.Now I need to clarify one thing. I am not saying that all Palestinians are evil or want children to blow themselves up. My family has very dear friends in East Jerusalem who used to call themselves Arab Israelis but now call themselves Palestinians. They are amazing people and I cannot imagine one of them intentionally causing harm to the Israelis.
I am also not saying all Israelis are innocent. I have heard the rhetoric and it disgusts me. The skirmishes in the settlements gets us no where. However, that is not our majority and while some fanatics take lives, it is not on the scale of the Palestinians nor is it a part of the education system in the broader country. I once saw a Palestinian school book where the math section said, "I there are 10 Israelis and I kill seven, how many Israelis are there left to kill?" That is not healthy for anyone.I am disturbed by this deal almost as much as I am overjoyed to have Gilad Shalit home. But I can't muster any hope that this eternal war will find a resolution that does not cost many, many lives. Anyone who has been to Israel has seen the undertones... the bubbling anger on both sides. I just pray to G-d that is does resolve and that neither side loses too many sons and daughters in the process.
Did We Do More Harm Than Good?
As we wrap up the marathon 24 hours of news coverage surrounding the tenth anniversary of September 11th, a question occurred to me.All day I have been watching on and off. DVRing some programs, watching others live. I went to the Colorado Rockies game today and it was full of symbolism and significance. Former military, current military, children, police officers, and firemen. Every conversation surrounded this significant day.As I wrapped up my day watching home videos and other citizen journalism, painstakingly chronically every second of the 102 minutes that changed our country, I found myself crying off and on... yelling at the dispatchers on tv who were telling people to "stay put" in the towers... cheering for the people running from the dust cloud.I finally peeled myself away from the tv to take a shower.In the shower I had a thought... have we done more harm than good? No, stop, don't jump to conclusions. Let me get this thought out.Today we packed every television station with wall to wall coverage of the tragedy ten years ago. Most stations replayed the reel from the day, ten years ago. The minute by minute discoveries. Was this an accident? Was it an explosion? Was it a small plane or a large one? Did a second plane just hit the other tower? Unconfirmed reports from DC and Pennsylvania. Explosion at the Pentagon. Targeting the White House? Terrorists? Accidents? Air Traffic Control problems? Is this war? This spells a change for our airport security.It sometimes felt like they were fortune tellers... I see a man, his name starts with an 'O' and he has a beard... Obadiah? Osama! Yes, that's it.I watched the coverage and remembered almost every word. The way the anchors interrupted each other. The footage of New Yorkers stricken.But did we do more harm than good by packing this day too full with the past images? I do not disagree that these are vitals pieces of our American history. I do not disagree that they should be archived and brought out to be seen often. But what struck me was that here we are, in the Hebrew month of Elul. A time to look back on our past, take stock of our present, and make adjustments for our future.We took time to look back. We have spent 24 hours looking at every angle of this tragedy... but what we haven't done is look at where we are today and what our future holds. Now I know Katie Couric is not a fortune teller and news anchors, no matter how hard they try, they cannot tell us the future... none of us can. But we sure can give ourselves a mantra for the upcoming year, a focal point, an ideal to live up to.One of the boat captains, who saved many lives (by the way, this was the largest water evacuation ever... larger than Dunkirk which was some 300,000 military men over the course of nine days... our tug boats and ferry men got over 500,000 New Yorkers out of Manhattan in less than nine hours), said "I have one theory in life. I never want to say 'I should have.'"This is what today should have been. Divided into three parts.
- The memorial of the events, the reMEMBERING (once again affirming our membership into this most difficult 'club') of those lost and the horror of the day.
- Taking stock of where we are today and noting our growth and the areas where we, as Americans, can still grow.
- Looking forward to the future, deciding who we want to be and how we want to live.
This is the Eluling process. It's a healing process, one that helps us all move forward and take our memories and lessons with us.I fear we lost an opportunity here, a time when so many eyes were trained on the television screens that could help convey this process.
- I remember those lost. I will never forget. The memory is seared into me. I wish all Americans still loved and helped each other like they did that day and for weeks after.
- The events of 9/11 shaped me today. I do not fear death nor destruction because I know when my day will come it will come, thus I must live every day to the fullest. I learned to care for all and not just the people in my circle.
- I never want to say 'I should have.' I want to do my best in this next year to care for all those around me.
Obama Got Osama... Baruch HaShem
Wow, it was quite a shock last night. I was cleaning up my house and getting ready for bed when I noticed Twitter was blowing up. I immediately turned on the news to find out that President Obama was speaking about the death of Osama Bin Laden. The most hated man, the most chased man, and as one friend put it the "World Hide & Seek Champion: 2001-2011."I never understood how hard it was to find a 6' 5" older man with diabetes, carrying around dialysis... Alas he proved elusive. In fact, one person on Twitter posted this - "10 years, 2 wars, 919,967 deaths, and $1,188,263,000,000 later, we managed to kill one person. I hope it was worth it..."The country erupted in cheers at the news he was dead... however, I could not miss some interesting similarities. May 1 was the date Hitler killed himself and his new wife Eva Braun. It is also the holiday of Yom HaShoah... the Holocaust remembrance day. But yesterday, we were all remembering the death of thousands of Americans at the hands of a different type of terrorist. And, unfortunately, unlike the swift downfall of the Nazi party upon the removal of it's head, this brand of terrorist is still with us. This branch has Medusa like qualities, for certainly once this man was struck down several others prepared to step forward.The death or capture of Osama Bin Laden was very important to us. It was symbolic, necessary for the finality and peace for the victims family and friends left behind. Just as murder victims feel closure when the perpetrator is put in jail and sentenced... no longer free to enjoy their life as we do, this bring some sense of finality to these survivors... but it doesn't bring your loved on back. Nothing ever will. I just hope this helps them move forward.It should also help our country move forward. We were stuck in a seemingly non-ending war and couldn't even catch this one bad guy. It became a point of pride.
However, there is one thing we need to remember. We just came out of Passover, where we escaped the evil tyrant and crossed the Sea of Reeds. then the sea closed in on the Egyptians, killing them. Miriam leads the people in Shir haYam (song of the sea). There is a story about this in the Talmud (Talmud Tractate Megillah 10b) that the angels above began to sing and dance as well. G-d chides them, "The works of my hands are drowning in the sea and you want to sing praises?" Another midrash highlights this: "On three occasions, the angels wanted to sing praises before God, and God would not permit them. What are these? The generation of the flood [in which only Noah and his family were saved]; the crossing of the Red Sea; and the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. . . God said, “These comforting words that you say to me are insults to me.” (Petichta 24 in Vilna edition)This reminds me of the story of Ishmael and Hagar when they are sent out from Avraham's home. They are dying of thirst in the desert and G-d hears Ishmael's prayers and saves him. Why? The angels ask G-d... you know what he will do, how his descendants will torture the Jewish people specifically through water, why do you save him? And G-d replies, because we judge people based on who they are today, not who they were or who they are to become.These are reality checks. Ishmael was to become a bad person and his descendants tortured many Jews but G-d did not judge him for his future actions. And we can not judge all Muslims for the actions of the few. G-d let the Israelites have their party and joyous celebration after their tormentors were killed at the Sea of Reeds but when the angels tried to celebrate G-d put the kibosh on it. Yes, these people suffered and have the right to relish the moment but people are still dead, people who were created by the same G-d as you and I... and that deserves a bit of respect.What I am trying to say here is relish this moment. Say Kadish for those lost on September 11, 2001 but then we move forward. To be stuck in a place of vindictiveness is not right.May 1, 2011 became not only Holocaust Remembrance Day but also a day to remember and honor those who lost their lives to madmen with flawed ideals.Lastly, I want to share an email I got this morning. My very dear friends, Esty and Dovi Scheiner were married on September 11, 2001. They have dedicated their married life to the financial district in NYC and giving the young Jews who live there a connection to their Judaism.
Dear Talia,It is with deep emotion that Esty and I learned of the assassination of Osama Bin Laden.Our wedding day was September 11, 2001, and we moved to lower Manhattan shortly thereafter, committed to doing our small part to help rebuild a community devastated by the worst attack on American civilians.In a very real sense, the evil act committed at the behest of Osama Bin Laden was the impetus for the founding of SoHo Synagogue, with a mission of spreading light in the face of darkness.Today, Monday, May 2, we encourage you to perform a dedicated act of goodness and kindness in honor of the 3000 innocent men and women who lost their lives on September 11, 2001.Warmly, Dovi & Esty
Taking personal responsiblity
Breslov Men Don 'Veils' En Route to Reb Nachman's GraveThis is what I was talking about way back when (here) about men taking responsibility for themselves.So you have a standard of modesty. Good. That is a good thing. But you can't force everyone else to live up to it. G-d gave us free choice and that free choice extends to our levels of modesty.I understand that people are up in arms because they think it is a Muslim idea to wear a veil but they are wrong. Don't Jewish women wear tichels (scarves) to cover their hair? The biggest difference in the two is how we tie them. Muslim women are required to cover more areas than Jewish women. I don't understand the uproar on this. Rather they want these men to run around shouting and pushing and hitting women who aren't dressed to their level of tznius (modesty) or breaking televisions? How does that promote klal Yisroel (the unity of the people of Israel)?I commend these men. Kol hakavod, good job for taking your priorities and morals into your own hands without hurting other people or marginalizing them.I mean, I wouldn't want to wear a scarf around my face but I am not a Breslover man...
Peace in the Middle East?
I was speaking to a friend tonight. Here's how our conversation went...Him: How's the middle east? You get peace yet?Me: Not yet. It's pretty damn warm though... maybe that's why they are all so irritable...Him: True.Anybody think of handing out air con's and THEN holding peace talks?(this is totally j/k, I know air conditioning can't solve 5000 years of conflict)
Is this the future Israeli Jewish women are doomed to live?
For a long time Women of the Wall has been a flash point in Israel and it has finally bubbled up and almost over.Anat Hoffman, leader of the group Women of the Wall, was just arrested for carrying a Torah near the Kotel, the Western Wall.These women have been beaten for having strap marks on their arm from Tefillin. Not even people witnessing them wearing it, just the leftover marks.They have been abused verbally, physically, and by the police for minding their own business on their own side of the mechitza, the ritual divider between men and women. And for what? Because a small group of people believe their INTERPRETATION if the text is better than others? Because they believe women should not be allowed the joy of reading Torah at the Wall? Unfair.Now, I straddle an interesting line. My Judaism runs Orthodox but my sensibilities run liberal. In the past I have challenged this male hierarchy in both America and Israel. I touched on that a little in my blog about my father. I wanted to dress as a boy to get on the men's side to daven. Not to do anything nefarious but because they make it seem like there is something better and more spiritual on the other side. The men attempt to make us feel dirty and wrong. Like there was some inherent sin or mistake we have made as a woman. But I have news for you, people, we aren't the Catholics. We don't believe in original sin. There isn't something wrong with me because I am a woman.Lest you forget, it was the MEN of Israel that G-d was angry with for building the Golden Calf, not the women. We refused. Our gift? The moon festivals. Frankly, it boils down to me being sick and tired of women having restrictions put on us because men can't control themselves and are piggish. I am not a raging feminist. I love my long skirts and I embrace the idea that I will cover my hair when I get married. I adore the woman's side of most shuls (unless we are given a tiny postage stamp with which to conduct our service while watching the children you men don't have a lick of patience for). I love the female bonding time with my fellow Jewish women (both spiritually and just as friends over the mundane).
I am getting sick and tired of women being punished because men are too weak to learn how to control themselves. And people are right, actions like this make the Ultra-Orthodox (and in this sense, I am using it as a pejorative) look like they took a lesson from the Taliban.Maybe this is spilling over today because I am the midst of planning an extended trip to study in Israel and I know this will confront me everyday. Maybe because I just read this article by Naomi Ragen in Moment Magazine about how men feel empowered to physically assault GRANDMOTHERS on the bus to get their way.Is this how we are raising our children? Is this the future of Judaism? Will it look like Iranian Islam? Will women be forced to have a male family member escort them? Will we be told to wear a burka? I don't like this image of the future of Judaism and I don't see that as being sustainable. While I respect most forms of ultra-orthodoxy for their commitment to Judaism and their connection to the past, and while I certainly don't want to see that disappear, it disturbs me to see them come into MY world and tell ME what I can and cannot do. Why is the minority forcing their will on the majority and why aren't we saying anything about it?I am an ardent Israel supporter. That doesn't mean I agree with everything. Israel is having growing pains. Our baby is now a teenager and we have to readjust the systems to accommodate this. But Judaism is not a teenager. Judaism is older and should know better.There is a lot to figure out here. A lot of thought and strategic planning that must go into our future. I really hope we take the time.For more articles on the future of Judaism, visit The Future of Judaism from PatheosOriginally posted at the Modern Midrash blog on the Jewish Portal of Patheos
Would a stone by any other name, mean the same thing?
I was struck (no, not literally) by an image I recently came across on Flickr. It was of Palestinian men collecting rocks... well these were rocks on steroids, huge chunks of concrete, to hurl at Israeli soldiers and settlers who might wander down their streets.
Photo by Rusty Stewart via Flickr
It occurred to me when I saw this picture that we use rocks for very different purposes. These Palestinians use rocks to hurt and maim. Even in the broader Islamic culture, rocks are used to inflict pain and death. This punishment is usually used against women with little recourse in their society. I know that within Judaism there were some punishments that called for stoning, however, there has been no historically verified accounts of it every happening.
However, stones have a very important place in modern Judaism. We put them on the graves of our loved ones. It represents permanence, it shows a presence was there. We don't put flowers, which die. We leave a permanent marker of our visit.
I don't know what parallels or differences I draw from our very different usage of this same, simple item. I just found the dichotomy fascinating.
To cause death? To honor death?
